I am going to be brave and blog about something that is a little bit taboo in today's society, some may look down on me as a mother for this post. I am very passionate about this topic and want other women to know they are not alone, there is nothing 'wrong' with them, and they are not any less of a mother than the mom who has the most patience with her kids and cooks the best pinterest recipes and does crafts every day, because lets face it, that just isn't realistic.
Hesitation has really been fighting me to even share my story, but I think it can really help others and it is a healthy way for me to release my feelings. My last post was about the birth of Kealan, I was still on a birth 'high' when I wrote that and really that lasted for about three weeks.. and then the bottom dropped out. It first started out with constant vivid nightmares and racing thoughts, then I started experiencing severe anxiety and panic attacks, this would escalate with Kealan's screaming, and unfortunately, Kealan screams around the clock. At just three days old he was put on medication for severe GERD after waking up in the middle of the night choking on his reflux and not being able to breathe. Having gone through postpartum depression or PPD after Eli's birth, I was sure that I would recognize the symptoms early on if I developed it after Kealan's birth. My anxiety and panic attacks became much worse, I seriously felt like I was losing my mind and going insane. Little did I know, the constant anxiety and panic attacks were PPD rearing its ugly head in the most severe form. I started seeing a therapist and she has been helping me through it.
In the midst of PPD, I also started experiencing PTSD like symptoms. I could not stop my brain from replaying the moments of my labor/birth over and over in my head. I even found it hard to sleep in my bed, I could not sleep in my bed for weeks. I could not understand this and had no idea why I was experiencing the events of labor over and over again in my head. It turns out that it's a result of birth trauma. Surprisingly, this affects 25-34% of women (http://pattch.org/resource-guide/traumatic-births-and-ptsd-definition-and-statistics/) I really only thought birth trauma happened to mamas with unexpected emergency c-sections, a very long and drawn out labor, or a vacuum assisted/forceps delivery. That isn't the case. I learned that my very short 3 hour labor was actually a very common cause of birth trauma. Everything happens so quick that the body does not have time to even process what all is going on. I first started labor in my bed by waking up to strong contractions, hence the not wanting to sleep in my bed for weeks. The whole thing was so quick and I had so much fear at the end of having him being born at home or in the car and terrible consequences resulting. I had to endure a 25 minute car ride to the hospital trying my hardest not to push him out, even though I was already crowning. I have had so many people tell me I am so lucky to have had such a short labor and my response to them is in no way what they are expecting. Precipitous labors are rough, you might not be in agony with laboring for hours, but rapid progression of labor takes a huge toll on the body, physically and mentally. I had no idea this could even be possible until this was all explained to me, I felt more 'normal'. I know there are women out there who have experienced this, and this post is for them. I believe birth is a beautiful and amazing thing, for a woman to have birth trauma is absolutely disheartening to me.
PPD is an awful monster. It robs a mother of those early and precious days with her infant that she can never get back; it can force women to alter their family planning as to how many children they want and can ruin relationships, marriages, families, and a person as a whole. According to a study released earlier this year conducted by the JAMA of Psychiatry (http://seleni.org/insight/news-information/largest-postpartum-depression-study-reveals-disturbing-statistics) 1 out of 7 women will develop PPD and the sad truth is that the majority of them suffer in silence. They think that they just aren't cut out for motherhood, that there must be something wrong with them. It makes me so sad to learn that the majority of women with PPD do not seek help for that reason, and for the fact that there really are not a whole lot of resources available to women who are struggling with this. Some OB offices have a screening they give women at their 6 week check up for PPD, my OB didn't even ask me how I was doing mentally. This proves to me that OBs should receive more education on the topic and educate women during their pregnancy of the condition.
There are days I still struggle. I still often times feel like I cannot handle Kealan because of his constant ear piercing screaming. I have found myself many times questioning God on why not only I, but so many other women have to go through this. I understand it isn't a death sentence or a terminal illness in any way, but it is so difficult, especially if you suffer in silence. I have prayed over and over again for God to help me through this and to help me enjoy these early days with my boys because I know this time is short and that this is just a season in life. I have come to realize that God is perhaps using me along with other women to encourage and educate others on the topic. I also believe God has a plan for us and perhaps what I have gone through and am currently going through in life is only preparing me and only making me stronger for what may lie ahead. I'll admit I am not a perfect mother, no mother is. Eli has been fed Cheerios countless mornings and peanut butter sandwiches for lunch more times than I can remember. But what matters is I still take care of him, I still find some time to sit down and play with him, even if Kealan is screaming and all I want to do is go to sleep after being up with him all night.. and I still take care of Kealan to the best of my ability. I found out fairly quick after Eli was born that I would never be the perfect mother, I am only the mother God has created me and shaped me to be. My boys are my miracles, having children was a very slim chance for me, 24 years old and having two boys just 16 1/2 months apart certainly was not in my life plan, but God knew things I didn't and changed that course and I am so thankful he did. So, any time I find difficulty in my job as a mother, I remember those things and also remember that I am a PPD warrior.. I got through it after Eli's birth and I can certainly do it again. Some may read this and think I am asking for pity, absolutely not. I don't want people to feel sorry for me at all, I want people to know that these two postpartum conditions are REAL and that you can and will get through them.
For anyone that is reading this and currently going through the painful days of PPD, these days will be over before you know it. Soon, they won't be small enough to cradle in your arms and cuddle with. This is just a season in life, it cannot and will not last forever. This storm will soon be over and you will start to see a ray of hope and eventually a rainbow.
For more PPD/Birth Trauma Resources
postpartum progress
postpartum support international
healing after traumatic childbirth
birth psychology
