Dear Eli, on the eve of your 7th Birthday

Dear Eli,
On the eve of your 7th birthday I have to let you know how proud I am of you and reflect on the past seven years with you in our lives.

We prayed and prayed for a baby, so when we finally found out we were expecting you we were ecstatic! We prepped everything for your arrival in the months leading up to your birth. We decorated your nursery, bought you clothes, and wondered a lot about what you would look like, what your voice would sound like, and what type of personality you would have. Those nine months flew by and you and God decided you wanted to surprise us a little early.. two weeks before your "due date" you let it be known that you were on your way and into our arms.. 14 1/2 hours later your daddy helped deliver you and placed you on my chest, the BEST feeling ever. Your daddy and I could not be any happier at that moment.

We knew you were a fighter and something special from the very beginning. You brought us to our knees more than any other time in our lives, and you still do. From starting intensive therapies at just 2 1/2 years old and still going strong at 7 years old, you are one determined hard worker. You lost all of your skills just shy of your 2nd birthday and through the years you have worked so hard to gain them back.  I often times wonder what its like to be you. I wonder what is going on in your mind, you can think of some pretty amazing concoctions, I just know you will be a chef some day!

While I know you try your hardest to identify me as your mama and tell me "hi mom" I can see by your smile that you love me and know I am your mama. Your daddy and I pray all the time that you will one day be able to speak, we know God has big big plans for you. Lately you have been doing well at writing your letters, hopefully one day you can write to us!  Can I just say how excited I am for that day?!

I feel like I get to know you a little more each day, a new little piece of you comes out and I LOVE IT! There is absolutely no one like you in this world Eli. Your family, friends, and therapists love you so much, especially your brothers. The enthusiasm you have for life and perseverance despite any challenges that you face on a daily basis is inspiring. You always manage to have a smile on your face every day.

I never imagined this is what your life would look like, I never imagined 7 years ago that you would have to work so hard in life just to be able to function and use a tablet to try and communicate your wants and needs. You have come so far and I can't wait to see what your future holds. Every day is truly a gift of adventures with you and I could not be more proud to be your mama!

The Beautiful and Healing Birth of Simon

  Ahh where do I even begin? Everything surrounding the whole pregnancy experience with Simon was full of blessings, from the miraculous conception that even my fertility doctor couldn't even believe, to the many blessings placed in our lives during the most challenging pregnancy and during a very challenging time in our lives, this pregnancy and birth has taught me once again, there is a time for everything, "To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under Heaven" Ecclesiastes 3:1

  Throughout the whole pregnancy, really from the time I found out I was pregnant, I was full of anxiety about the birth. My last birth went very quickly and upon arrival to the hospital, the medical staff didn't exactly treat me very respectfully, thats putting it nicely. I was seen by a maternal fetal medicine specialist throughout my entire pregnancy (MFM) and of course my regular OBGYN, they both told me that this birth would likely be even faster than my 2 hour 45 minute birth with my previous son. Again, my anxiety grew and grew. When I woke up in preterm labor at just under 25 weeks, I had flashbacks and I just knew I would be delivering my baby boy in my bathroom, possibly not even alive,  but God had His hand on us, just as He did throughout this entire pregnancy and every day for that matter.

  35 weeks.. thats when I really started noticing things were changing, and my body was gearing up for labor. Due to my being 45 minutes away from the hospital and having a previous precipitous delivery and due to the fact that baby boy was still breech, cervical checks began.  I was 1 cm and 50% effaced..  Now I knew this meant nothing in terms of delivery, but was good to know what my body is doing in prep for labor. I still had anxiety about the birth and even more so since Simon was still breech. I tried everything you could think of, ultimately what worked was Spinning Babies. I HIGHLY recommend it if you have a breech babe.

37 weeks brought more and more consistent contractions. Now I had been having contractions for months, so I didn't think anything really of these contractions, I decided to time them and they were 8-10 minutes apart, every single night this would happen, and then I would doze off to sleep and wake up and they would be gone. Yay for prodromal labor! I was beyond mentally and physically exhausted, and I was still having anxiety about the birth.. my 37 week cervical check revealed I was 2 cm and 75%.. okay so things are slowly progressing. Looking back, I think these cervical checks just added to my anxiety about the birth. I was so tired of contractions, the severe SPD pain, the acid reflux, the nausea, .. I was just done. If I was going to keep having consistent contractions every evening then why, why couldn't I just go into full blown labor?!

  38 weeks came and still consistent contractions every. day. I was so sick of it. On the evening of Sept 30 B and the boys and I went out to dinner for our weekly family date night, I chose Olive Garden, I thought I would give the eggplant parmesan a try in inducing labor, couldn't hurt right?! All through dinner I was just not feeling well, pre laborish, but really nothing different than I had been feeling for the past two weeks. I ate the eggplant parmesan and went to bed fairly early that night, I was beyond exhausted. I woke up around 4 am with contractions.. no surprise there, but no matter how hard I tried, I could not go back to sleep with these contractions, and I also started having to make frequent trips to the bathroom, I knew then labor was probably within the next couple of days, if that. We had already planned to take the boys to a pumpkin patch about 40 minutes away that day, and I didn't want to ruin the plans. I told B that I thought we would be going to the hospital by the end of the day, I was definitely feeling 'laborish'. He asked if I thought it was a good idea to travel 40 minutes away if I think I might be in labor, I told him we would go for a walk before we leave and decide from there. The walk really didn't increase the contractions, they were still coming, 7-9 minutes apart but nothing closer, I had been playing this game for the past two weeks so I wasn't about to let it get in the way of what could be our last family activity as a family of four.   So we decided to go to the pumpkin patch, while there I noticed the contractions becoming stronger, I even saw a friend while there and told her I was having contractions, little did I notice, but I was starting to kind of hunch over with each contraction. She told me I better start heading to the hospital with my history last time...   I decided to just wait it out and let the kids continue to enjoy themselves. Around lunch time contractions really started becoming stronger, I remember standing in line waiting to order lunch when I was deciding if I should really eat  a hot dog or not.. that can't be good coming back up possibly later..   We had just sat down at a picnic table when the strongest contraction yet hit.. B saw my face and said "how far apart are they now?" I told him I didn't know, I wasn't timing them anymore.. His face was priceless..  he responds by telling me to tell him when I have another one..  A few minutes go by and I tell him "here comes another one" It was then that we decided we should start heading towards the hospital, a wagon full of pumpkins, 2 screaming kids, a bag of spilled cheetos, and a 35 minute car ride later, we arrived.

  As soon as we arrived, I just felt peace. I prayed on the way there that this was in fact labor and we would be meeting our newest little man soon. I was given a room with a jacuzzi (my plan was to labor in the tub for my pain management) and an amazing nurse. When I arrived, contractions were 4-5 minutes apart, I was told to walk to see if my cervix would change.. an hour into walking and the contractions were becoming stronger, I was checked and I was  a good 4 cm and 80%. WE WERE HAVING A BABY! I thought for sure, as did everyone else, that we would have a baby by the night's end. We got to the hospital around 2:30 on the afternoon of Oct 1. Once admitted, I continued to walk and walk, and get in and out of the tub, then I would change to the birth ball.. I was checked again and still just 4 cm 80%, yet having very strong contractions and very close together.. they decided to administer pitocin.. at this point I was fine with it to see if it would help at all, of course contractions became even stronger, I walked and walked and sat in the tub, B by my side the entire time. Around 10:30 our birth photographer and who ultimately became our doula, arrived and started assisting as well. She encouraged us to "get close" as she put it haha, to have a lot of physical contact to get the oxytocin going to try and speed things up, let me tell you.... it worked! We danced, I leaned into him, I hugged him, I squeezed the living crap out of him, I laughed with him, it was really a special time together. Somehow I was able to get a little bit of sleep, a couple hours in between contractions, pit still going strong,  the nurse came in multiple times to tell me the doctor would really like to break my water, I kept declining, I knew I was kind of stuck at a 4 and once they broke my water, I would be on the clock..  Well about an hour later the doctor came in and talked to me and said he really thought it best if he go ahead and break my water, I expressed my concerns with him and he reassured me that this being my 3rd baby, he really thought thats all that would need to be done to get this babe in a better position..  I had already spent hours in all sorts of positions trying to get this boy in a better position. I agreed to let him break my water..  things got intense really quick. I walked the halls more and soon I was leaning in to B and moaning quite loudly (he later told me that as soon as he heard me make that noise, he instantly had flashbacks of Kealan's birth, so he knew we would be meeting Simon soon) my water was broken at 630 am, after getting back from walking the halls, I just couldn't walk any more, I got into the bed where I was checked and I was a 5-6.. we walked more.. we danced more, I moaned more, a couple hours passed and I was really really feeling it, I was exhausted, I had several hours full of pitocin in me, and in hard labor, another check revealed I was 7.. the nurse suggested I try the peanut ball,  I got on the peanut ball and continued my labor vocals.. these contractions were pretty much just one on top of the other at this point and also in my back, I had B, my nurse, and our birth photographer/doula all applying pressure to my lower back, it helped a lot. I remember very vividly being on the peanut ball and a resident doctor who had been observing my labor from when I first got there, I looked up at him and smiled and said "I am sorry, I am not normally this dramatic, its just that these contractions really really hurt!" He laughed and said "oh no, you aren't being dramatic at all, this is just amazing to watch! Can I stay for the birth? I have never witnessed a natural birth before" I agreed, honestly at that point I could care less who was in the room. After being on the peanut ball for a bit, I felt I needed to get back in bed, I am on my side in bed when I am overwhelmed with shaking, dry heaves, and unbelievable pressure, and I start to growl (I knew then I was about to push this babe out!) I scream "I need to push!" Nurse checks me and I have just a lip of cervix left, I remember questioning everyone in there
"are you sure I am that far??? Are you just saying that to make me feel better?" I am still on my side following my body's cues and I start to try and push, I was dry heaving and was so concerned about throwing up on the floor I was practically suffocating myself by placing the bag over my face.. I remember my doula who kept telling me she would take care of it, but I insisted.. soon that bag was taken from me and an oxygen mask was being placed on my face because Simon's heart rate had dropped dramatically and wasn't coming back up, I was told that I needed to get the baby out now, I won't forget that moment, "Darcie, you need to just push through this pain, your baby needs to get out NOW!" Two contractions and four minutes later, Simon Luke Jones entered this world, October 2, 2016 9:04 AM. 7 lbs even. There is absolutely no other feeling like the relief you get as soon as you push your baby out.. He was immediately placed up on my chest and of course, instantly I fell in love with another baby boy.  I did end up having a good amount of repair work done post birth, I think I screamed more during that then I did when pushing!

  Simon's labor was the longest and probably the most challenging labor I have had but it was so incredibly beautiful and healing. Our doula told us it was truly 'the most romantic birth she had ever seen" I agree, it was incredible. Was it painful? Of course, especially with the 8 hours of pitocin! But those 18 1/2 hours of labor were so full of love, patience, and grace.. I have never connected more with B than I did during those 18 1/2 hours, especially the last few hours of it, truly beautiful.

  Everything about this birth was truly amazing, everything worked out so well, God truly had an incredible plan in place, the weeks of prodromal labor were worth it. My birth experience was everything I wanted from start to finish, minus the pitocin and maybe not so long in duration.. I made it to the hospital, I was able to move about freely and walk around all throughout labor, I had minimal intervention throughout the labor process, a nurse who was very experienced in natural birth who was a huge encouragement in addition to B and my doula, and most importantly to me, I was able to listen to my body when it came to pushing, I was never forced to not push or screamed at, or had my legs held together like last time,  a truly healing birth and I am so grateful for the experience, the lessons learned, and ultimately for another healthy beautiful baby boy, a true miracle.

15 weeks!

  Okay, unless you live under a rock or have no access to social media or haven't talked to me in three months, we are pregnant! Yay!  This was a huge blessing and true miracle given the circumstances. EDD is October 9 and we are thrilled!    So back to the pregnancy update,  I have been told recently I should blog about my pregnancy given some stories that result from my current state. So here I am.

  Let me just start off by saying that this is by far the hardest pregnancy, now whether that is because I have two toddlers to still run after solo or my body is just saying "no more babies!" Which lets face it, my body rebelled hard against trying for another pregnancy.  What ever the reason may be, we are 3 and done people. My husband likes to respond to that by saying " we will see" but I have the parts (and these parts already feel like they are falling apart at just 15 weeks in) and I am the one that has to go through it all, so I say 3 and done.

 The biggest difference this pregnancy is the sickness. Oh my word people, I just thought I had bad "morning sickness" with K..  From week 5-12 I was seriously not able to function, my husband likes to say I was "physically incapacitated" I wouldn't go that far but I will say that I could not move without feeling severely sick. It was all I could do to shuffle myself around my house to help care for my kids.  And while its not as severe as it was (Praise God!) it is still there. The biggest lie on this Earth is that "morning sickness" goes away after the first trimester. In fact, next time I see my doc I plan on giving him a piece of my mind for giving me such hope.  Along with this lovely relentless nausea comes a constant bad taste in my mouth, I didn't have this in my other pregnancies either. No matter what I eat, its always there. Always. Its like a pesky fly that keeps buzzing around you, just to let you know its there and its going to irritate the crap out of you.

 Let's move onto cravings.. The cravings are real y'all, seriously. Of course right before I found out I was pregnant, the hubs and I started a financial class (Financial Peace University) basically to try and get out of our student loan debt. Great class and Dave is a pretty awesome guy BUT bad bad timing to start FPU during the first trimester of pregnancy when there are just a few foods you can tolerate. I remember very vividly our next to last session, our instructor asked us if we had any "confessions" I boldly raised my hand, well as boldly as I could in my sick zombie like 9 week pregnancy state, and said "yes, I do. I have been spending 3/4 of our budget on food, but dang it Dave has never been pregnant and never will be so he just doesn't understand the need for certain foods. I can't just go into my pantry and come up with something to eat (heck I can barely stand to walk into my pantry).  Our instructor laughed pretty hard and said that was the first time he had heard that and he was going to call into Dave and tell him he had a student say that. Now whether he did or not, I don't know, but I am pretty sure I embarrassed the hubs pretty good that night.  So with that being said, specific cravings are SWEETS, anything SWEET. Fruit, doughnuts, cheesecake, pie, ice cream, cinnamon rolls, etc. Gotta have it. For quite some time I was constantly craving bleu cheese.. I think its on the 'no no list' of what not to eat in pregnancy, but I ate it anyways. One thing I will never quite understand is how severely nauseous I can be but seriously inhale almost an entire bag of chips in that same moment. Every 30 minutes to an hour, I am eating something, if I don't, this babe makes me pay. Oh yeah, thats not just a first trimester symptom either!

  So for anyone who knows me, in my other pregnancies I craved the smell of laundry detergent. I craved it so much actually, my husband had to stop me from going into the laundry room. I could only get "4 sniffs a day"  I am dead serious. I lived for the smell of laundry detergent in my other pregnancies, it was odd and honestly quite disturbing. Well of course #3 has to be different,  get ready..  the smell of laundry detergent is extremely nauseating to me this time. I cannot believe it. As I type this, I have laundry going upstairs and I can seriously smell it and the nausea is so awful.  I really can't stand the smell of anything this pregnancy, and let me tell you, I can smell anything in the world right now with this sense of smell..  but the fact that the smell of laundry detergent is nauseating to me almost makes me feel like I am not normal, I am not Darcie!  

 Last thing, I can't tell you how many people have asked both B and I if we are hoping for a girl. Would it be cool to have a girl? Sure! It would add a whole new dynamic to our family. Will I be absolutely devastated if this is another boy? NO! This babe is the biggest blessing, we prayed and prayed for this babe and God answered with this precious gift. I love our boys and adding a 3rd one to the mix would be so awesome!   With that being said, we will find out in the next few weeks if we will be adding pink to the house or if the boys will be gaining another brother.  Oh, for the record, even if its a boy, this woman is 3 and done!

Road Trip Ramblings

On our way back home from visiting family for Easter and house hunting I was feeling so many emotions, so many strong emotions of the coming weeks and months.  B would be leaving soon and not returning until after the move to our next location, which would be the end of the summer.  I am to take care of both our boys, the little one growing inside me, sell our house we just had built not even a year ago, find a place for us to live in our next location, and get the boys, myself, and two cats moved. As a mil spouse, I knew this would likely be happening one day, I just didn't think it would be THIS soon, or that I would be pregnant with our 3rd child in this process. Just more proof that God carries out the plan, we can make plans, but in the end He will always take over, He's just perfecting His plan in us.

One word: overwhelmed. How in the world am I going to do this?  God has a sense of humor for sure, we were sure we would be living at our current base for at least a few more years, so we planted roots and built a house. A house we have grown to love, perfect for our family, and made amazing life long friends and finally found a church home.  Let's not forget the amazing therapists that have helped E immensely, just thinking of having to leave them and start over with new therapists in our next location almost makes me feel physically sick.   Never in a million years did I think we would be selling our house not even a year after having moved in.   Yet here we are.  You would think living the mil life for as long as I have, I would know better and not be so surprised.. But this really caught me by huge surprise and felt like a punch in the stomach. 

Rewind back to Easter Sunday when I was feeling these strong emotions riding in the car as my husband was driving us back home, or should I say temporary home. The home just only a year ago we came by to check up on the latest progress of it being built, the home we walked through countless times, even when the house was just at the framing stage, yet I would walk into every 'room' and have visions of what those rooms would be. We would make so many memories in this house, E would go to kindergarten, we would hopefully welcome another child into this house, and K would start preschool. I can't tell you how many times I seriously dreamed of creating a nursery and actually being able to paint and make it our own. I promise I am not crazy, I just finally felt like there was some stability in our lives, we could call this house our own and make it our home. For any mil spouse, being able to actually plant down roots and have your own house, let alone build it, is a dream.

Here we are driving down the road as I am sitting there thinking of the countless things that have to be done and thinking B just has a couple weeks left here before the boys and I move and eventually meet back up with him at our next duty location.   The song "I will follow you" by Chris Tomlin came on.  The tears started to come as I sat back and listened to every word of that song.  We don't know God's plan for us and it can seem down right overwhelming and near impossible at times, but as the song says "where You go I'll go, where You stay I'll stay, Where you move I'll move I'll follow you". Friends, I don't think I need to say much more.  I can't tel you how many times after receiving the news of a PCS that God would just take it away, not just because we had just built a house but because of E and the amazing resources he has here and the progress he has made. I prayed and prayed that something would happen so we could just stay here. "God you know the progress E is making here with his therapists, the amazing resources he has here, the months it took for his therapists to even be in the same room as him, please don't make us go through that again, please don't let him backtrack. This location is perfect for us, please just remove the situation." It wasn't until last night while watching "The Passion" and seeing Jesus plead to God to remove this burden from him, the burden of being crucified and suffering so that sinners would be saved and have life in eternity, did I realize that there is absolutely a reason why God does not always answer our prayers, no matter how critical or traumatic or immense amount of suffering the situation might be bringing about. As difficult as that may be, the fact God did not answer Jesus' prayer for that burden to be lifted is a constant reminder that what ever we are going through He is producing for His glory. Had the burden have been lifted and that prayer have been answered, the ultimate sacrifice would have never been made, history would look a lot different huh?

I look back on my life and apply this logic, and I am grateful some prayers weren't answered. Some I still really struggle with and don't understand, but thats not for my understanding.  Regardless of what happens in our lives, if we follow God and his will for our lives, what ever that may be or look like, we will not lose. You see, He's already won. He's already won the battle for us, we just need be still, listen to Him, and accept His will for our lives. Obedience can sound so simple yet be the hardest thing we will ever do in life.  My issues in life and current worries of finding a new house to live in at the next location, and especially the anxiety of finding new therapists for E pale in comparison to God's plan He has for us and the glory that awaits us in eternity with Him. He already has our house picked out, He has hand picked the next therapists that will help E, everything that will happen in this process is all a part of His story he has written for us. 

In the meantime, I'll be on my knees a lot more and not just to start packing boxes.   We may fall, and fall hard sometimes, but with faith, fervent prayer, and following God's will for our lives, we will not fail and that is comforting so very very comforting. 

Progress and Growth

  Yesterday morning I happened to be over on the side of town where we previously first rented when we moved here. I had a little extra time after my appointment, so I decided to take a quick drive down our old street and see the house and neighborhood again.  I stopped for a second just looking at the house, all of the gorgeous trees that had made their seasonal changes, and even some trees that had already lost all of their leaves, where bare branches only remain. As I sat there for a second, so many memories and emotions flooded my mind. We did have some good memories in that house (both of our boys took their first steps there!!) There are others too, but we also went through a lot of trials in that house, there were more bad memories than good. I sat there and thought back of where we were even just 6 months ago to where we are now. So much has changed, life is different now, but it hasn't been without struggle.

  It really is hard to believe that its already been 6 months that we have moved into our new house (6 months ago on this date to be exact.)  We have grown closer as a family, we have grown closer to God, and we have each had some personal progress and growth.  This move brought us so much closer to B's work, he can now come home on lunch if he wants or can just stop by for a few minutes if need be. Amazing what moving 30 minutes closer can do, we see a lot more of him now (well, except for the past 7 weeks!) and being able to see him more has been good for all of us.

  We also found a church that we dearly love and it just so happens to be a few minutes away as well. Finding a good church has been SO beneficial for us, we had stopped going to church since we had moved here a few years ago really, there were a lot of fears with Eli and my own personal fears about sending him as well, so we just opted to not attend church. We still incorporated God and prayer in our home and with the boys, but church was really missing and looking back, my biggest regret was not overcoming some of my fears earlier and finding and attending church together as a family. While letting go of some of my fears was so incredibly hard, the benefit of letting go of that anxiety has been far better than I could have imagined. Our church has been amazing with the boys, especially E since day one and we couldn't be more thankful, K loves it too, he runs to his Sunday school class eager to see his teachers and learn!

  We have each all had personal progress and growth since the move as well. I think the biggest area of progress and growth can be seen in E. He started preschool in August and it has been a complete success! We are so thankful and blessed that he has an amazing teacher and some pretty amazing paras as well. He still does ABA (last month he reached 79 hours total for the whole month of Oct!) he works so hard, and his hard work is really starting to pay off. He has officially been in ABA for one year now and the amount of progress he has made is remarkable. His therapists were just talking to me last week about how far he has come. When they first came into the home a year ago, E couldn't even stand for them to be in the same room as him, let alone try to do therapy with him. It took him a good month before he would let the therapists into the room he was in, and another month to start interacting with him to try and design a program to meet his needs. I look back at the videos of those early ABA days and I am just amazed as to what I see now,  its like we have a different child, and it is absolutely amazing! He still has a long road ahead, but the amount of progress he has made has been stunning.   He is also making huge progress with his speech output device, his Novachat. We have been going to MMI every week for the past 10 weeks to try and become more and more familiar with his device (its therapy for him and parent training for me). I will admit that even up to a month ago or so, I was having a love hate relationship with the device, I was  starting to fear that he will never functionally speak if he continuously has this device and uses it instead of trying to actually talk (his speech therapy only consists of using the device at this time).   Well the past couple weeks and this past Wednesday really changed my mind about that little thing; we are starting to see into Eli's brain and what he is thinking for the first time, all before this it was a guess as to what he wanted or needed or was thinking, but with this device, he has learned to use it so fluently that he not only uses it to request what he wants or needs, but he is starting to use it to show us what he is thinking, and I think its even showing him that we can finally understand him a little bit better. It has been the biggest blessing.  On Wednesday, his therapist was programming some info in the "about me"section on the device, the info was that his name was E and he has two cats, and it gave their names.  He was across the room and as soon as he heard that, he stopped walking, turned around ran over to the device and pushed the button again where it once again said "My name is E, I have two cats..." He started squealing with delight and running up to this therapists and myself with the biggest smile on his face shaking his head yes over and over.  Tears y'all, seriously, tears,  even one of his therapists had tears. Not only did he understand 100% completely what the device was saying, but it was as if he was telling us,  "yes! yes! If I could speak right now, that is what I would say to you!"  Ever since then, he has been obsessed with the cats, chasing them all around and playing with them.  His whole life, even just a few weeks ago, he had remained oblivious to their existence.  Absolutely amazing.  His therapists told me that they are going to incorporate buttons into his device for Christmas next time we go, they are going to try and teach him the buttons and how and when to use them, so he can actually participate in Christmas with us for the FIRST TIME EVER.  There are no words that can even begin to explain my excitement for this, E will be 4 years old in just under two months, so this will be his 4th Christmas, and while he has of course been present all of those Christmases,  thats really all that was, he was physically present but not able to participate really in any of our Christmas traditions, gift giving, Christmas Eve service, etc.  If he can participate in even just one of the activities with the help of his device, we will be elated!! I get chills just thinking about it. I am so very excited!

  With all of this being said, we still have the next move on the horizon. The fact E has made so much progress forward and that he is with a great school here with an amazing special education program, not to mention all of his therapists,  moving is a huge concern for us. E's therapists have already explained there will be a big leap back for him, and of course we have the anxiety of not being able to find as good of therapists in our next location, or as good of a school. Moving is hard for anyone, and being military, moving is not foreign to us at all, heck we have moved 4 times in the past 5 years! But, in E's particular case, it just takes it to a whole new level. We have to meet in January to find out if we will be medically cleared to go to our next location or not, in the mean time, we are praying, praying hard that E and our whole family can deal with this move in the best way possible. When we first got the news, we found out just two months after moving into the house we built, I honestly thought it was a joke and by the look on B's face, I knew it wasn't. One thing I keep reminding myself and that instantly came to my mind when I received the news, was that God already has this planned out, we are just along for the journey. That helps my anxiety a little bit about the situation, knowing that I am not the one in control, but also being the control freak I am, makes me just a little bit crazy! Honestly though, while we had no hesitation moving to where we are now, if it weren't for us moving here, E would likely not be where he is today. This next location might have even better resources than what we have now, or this situation might turn out differently and test our faith even more than what we could ever imagine, we don't know, but we do know that as long as we are following God and including him in every step of the way, we can't go wrong and if we fall, He will be right there to pick us back up.  

  A month ago, I was in a sermon during a very difficult situation for a dear friend of mine, when the pastor started to say that it is so easy to praise God in the good times, its during the darkest times of our lives that we find it nearly impossible to pray, let alone praise Him. That is the absolute truth, but if we persevere and keep on, keeping God in our lives, even if we don't have the strength to pray for ourselves, but ask others to pray, we find our real inner strength, we find that we draw closer to Him than we ever have been or even thought possible. It really is during suffering, and no one's suffering looks the same, but during our personal bouts of suffering, whatever that might look like for you, that we are growing, growing so much spiritually, gaining so much wisdom, strength, and perseverance by His mercy and grace. It is my prayer that I always remember that, and that you always remember that too, whatever life throws at you.

Autism and Overcoming My Mama Guilt by Faith and Love

  I felt it was only appropriate to write a post about Autism, being that it is Autism Awareness Month. Yay for blue!!  We are soon approaching one year since Eli was diagnosed with non-verbal autism, along with a couple of other associated disorders.  This year has been tough, soon after the diagnosis, I was in denial. I refused to believe that my perfect miracle of a baby boy had Autism,  he was simply just delayed a little bit. It didn't help that several other people tried to argue against the diagnosis, thinking back to this angers me, however at the time, it just intensified my denial even more.  After I got over the denial (and lets face it, didn't take long after the many specialists we saw and three different therapies started up, I couldn't deny his diagnosis any longer,  he wasn't just simply delayed, there indeed was something else going on, and whether I wanted to accept it or not, it was/is Autism).

  Denial left and soon after, guilt just overtook me.. it was all I could think about.. what did I do wrong? I lost count of how many times I was questioned about my pregnancy with him by all of his doctors, I started to think I did something majorly wrong.. I should have taken more vitamins, I should have been more conscious of pollutants and potential toxins around me,  and lets not forget... perhaps I caused this by going through fertility treatments, I forced a pregnancy and here's what happened.. I couldn't get those thoughts out of my mind. I spent so many sleepless nights thinking of what I should have or could have done differently.   I finally came to realize that there was nothing I could have or should have done differently, I did everything I could do to ensure I was healthy before getting pregnant and during my pregnancy, I did it all to the best of my ability, I did my best, and thats what matters.

  After that guilt left, more guilty feelings flooded in..  As Eli's daily ABA therapy sessions started, I started to feel so guilty as I would be spending one on one time with Kealan and teaching him the little things that I was supposed to teach Eli,  but instead, had to hire a team of professional strangers to help my son learn basic skills.  That guilt stung more than the guilty feelings of what I could have or should have done differently in pregnancy.  As I would look in on the sessions and see his therapists work with him and teach him how to do the simplest of things (put a block in a cup, stack blocks, stand up, etc) my heart hurt so much, as his mama, I felt so guilty that I could not teach him those simple things,  it felt wrong on so many levels.  And what about all the months of Kealan's first year of life being stuck in a stroller and tagging along to all of his brother's therapies.. I felt immense guilt for Kealan not walking until he was 19 months old, as he didn't get much floor time or time to really play. Throughout all of that though, he has been his brother's biggest cheerleader and still is, I think he always will be.

  Through the sweet words and encouragement from my husband and my faith in God and trusting his will for our lives, I have overcome a lot of this mama guilt. My husband is an amazing and wise man, he told me one night something I really really needed to hear (he's pretty good at that!) He told me that no matter how hard he or I tried, Eli would never be able to learn some of those simple skills from us,  it was just a fact,  it didn't mean that we were bad parents or we didn't try hard enough, he has to have professional help and things taught to him in a certain way that he understands. Of course through ABA, we actively participate and they are teaching us these methods along the way, so that helps a lot. Just hearing B say that though was comforting and reassuring. A much needed reminder I think all mamas/parents/caregivers of spectrum kids and other special needs kids need to remember.

  I could go on and on about the different areas of guilt I felt and still have to a degree, but it all boils down to one thing: Eli is loved, he is getting the best help out there, we are doing our absolute best to make sure he and his brother are living as normal of a life as possible, and we know that God has a plan for his life.  This is all a part of Eli's story. I really think he is going to do something big in this world some day, I am not sure what, but his determination, eye for detail and to appreciate and focus on all the colors, instead of black and white, tell me he has one amazing mind. After all, Eli is only our son on this side of Heaven for a short while, God gave him to us to love and care for temporarily, so we raise him (and Kealan) to the best of our ability with as much love and care as possible. Our God doesn't expect perfect from us in anything, especially parenting, I think thats something we all need to remember. I know it certainly helps me in my feelings of guilt and the daily struggles that come with raising a child with Autism or really any special needs for that matter.  He knows we are doing our best, he already has Eli's story and the story of our family written out,  its all going to be okay, we are just along for the journey, and while it hasn't been the smoothest ride, we can have peace that this journey is playing out just as it should and with the Lord our God right by our side.

It All Matters!

Lately I have been having issues with monotony and motherhood.. I do the same thing over and over again, every single day.  I get tired of it, as I am sure all mamas do at some point (and if you say you don't or never have felt this way, you're lying! That, or you are flippin' supernatural or related to Michelle Duggar).  Anyways, I'm slowly learning that everything we do in motherhood matters! Every. Single. Thing.

My oldest child really showed me this today, even without words, he showed me his mama mattered to him!  I walked in after being gone from a dental appointment while honestly thinking the last thing I wanted to do was be around screaming children and fixing them dinner that would likely just end up on the floor.  I walked in, and my oldest ran up behind me and gave me the biggest hug, while my youngest was at my feet in the front reaching up for me.  My heart melted. My children really do love me and appreciate me in their own way.  It turns out dinner didn't end up on the floor and both boys gave their mama a kiss as I cleaned them up from dinner.  

As I was sitting on the couch earlier, after doing our full bedtime routine of teeth brushing, prayers, hugs/kisses, and playing lullaby music, it hit me..  My children ran to me for hugs and affection because what I do for them matters!  Every morning, getting them dressed and fed breakfast, changing their diapers, working on therapy with Eli, even when that means K might be missing out on attention,  fixing them meals and snacks even though it might just end up on the floor, getting down to their level and playing with them, washing their hands before they eat, talking to them throughout the day even though I don't get much response back, and tucking them into bed every night only to know I will do the same things all over again the next day.    It ALL matters!  Littles can be so exhausting both mentally and physically, but don't ever think for a second they don't notice what you do for them.   Realizing this makes me feel that I am more than 'just a mom' . So to the mamas who are mentally and physically exhausted with your littles and tired of the monotony.. What you are doing matters, you are so much more than just a mom!