Autism and Overcoming My Mama Guilt by Faith and Love

  I felt it was only appropriate to write a post about Autism, being that it is Autism Awareness Month. Yay for blue!!  We are soon approaching one year since Eli was diagnosed with non-verbal autism, along with a couple of other associated disorders.  This year has been tough, soon after the diagnosis, I was in denial. I refused to believe that my perfect miracle of a baby boy had Autism,  he was simply just delayed a little bit. It didn't help that several other people tried to argue against the diagnosis, thinking back to this angers me, however at the time, it just intensified my denial even more.  After I got over the denial (and lets face it, didn't take long after the many specialists we saw and three different therapies started up, I couldn't deny his diagnosis any longer,  he wasn't just simply delayed, there indeed was something else going on, and whether I wanted to accept it or not, it was/is Autism).

  Denial left and soon after, guilt just overtook me.. it was all I could think about.. what did I do wrong? I lost count of how many times I was questioned about my pregnancy with him by all of his doctors, I started to think I did something majorly wrong.. I should have taken more vitamins, I should have been more conscious of pollutants and potential toxins around me,  and lets not forget... perhaps I caused this by going through fertility treatments, I forced a pregnancy and here's what happened.. I couldn't get those thoughts out of my mind. I spent so many sleepless nights thinking of what I should have or could have done differently.   I finally came to realize that there was nothing I could have or should have done differently, I did everything I could do to ensure I was healthy before getting pregnant and during my pregnancy, I did it all to the best of my ability, I did my best, and thats what matters.

  After that guilt left, more guilty feelings flooded in..  As Eli's daily ABA therapy sessions started, I started to feel so guilty as I would be spending one on one time with Kealan and teaching him the little things that I was supposed to teach Eli,  but instead, had to hire a team of professional strangers to help my son learn basic skills.  That guilt stung more than the guilty feelings of what I could have or should have done differently in pregnancy.  As I would look in on the sessions and see his therapists work with him and teach him how to do the simplest of things (put a block in a cup, stack blocks, stand up, etc) my heart hurt so much, as his mama, I felt so guilty that I could not teach him those simple things,  it felt wrong on so many levels.  And what about all the months of Kealan's first year of life being stuck in a stroller and tagging along to all of his brother's therapies.. I felt immense guilt for Kealan not walking until he was 19 months old, as he didn't get much floor time or time to really play. Throughout all of that though, he has been his brother's biggest cheerleader and still is, I think he always will be.

  Through the sweet words and encouragement from my husband and my faith in God and trusting his will for our lives, I have overcome a lot of this mama guilt. My husband is an amazing and wise man, he told me one night something I really really needed to hear (he's pretty good at that!) He told me that no matter how hard he or I tried, Eli would never be able to learn some of those simple skills from us,  it was just a fact,  it didn't mean that we were bad parents or we didn't try hard enough, he has to have professional help and things taught to him in a certain way that he understands. Of course through ABA, we actively participate and they are teaching us these methods along the way, so that helps a lot. Just hearing B say that though was comforting and reassuring. A much needed reminder I think all mamas/parents/caregivers of spectrum kids and other special needs kids need to remember.

  I could go on and on about the different areas of guilt I felt and still have to a degree, but it all boils down to one thing: Eli is loved, he is getting the best help out there, we are doing our absolute best to make sure he and his brother are living as normal of a life as possible, and we know that God has a plan for his life.  This is all a part of Eli's story. I really think he is going to do something big in this world some day, I am not sure what, but his determination, eye for detail and to appreciate and focus on all the colors, instead of black and white, tell me he has one amazing mind. After all, Eli is only our son on this side of Heaven for a short while, God gave him to us to love and care for temporarily, so we raise him (and Kealan) to the best of our ability with as much love and care as possible. Our God doesn't expect perfect from us in anything, especially parenting, I think thats something we all need to remember. I know it certainly helps me in my feelings of guilt and the daily struggles that come with raising a child with Autism or really any special needs for that matter.  He knows we are doing our best, he already has Eli's story and the story of our family written out,  its all going to be okay, we are just along for the journey, and while it hasn't been the smoothest ride, we can have peace that this journey is playing out just as it should and with the Lord our God right by our side.