It's been quite a while since I have posted, we have been very busy! Our first deployment started at the beginning of October. First, let me explain my gratitude that this is our first deployment after being here a little over a year. We knew this day was coming, but it snuck up on us so fast!
Like all deployments are I am sure, this was a huge inconvenience. We had so many life changes and circumstances we were/are going through and deployment just topped it off. But let me tell you friends, this first deployment has taught me so much. I have learned many of lessons of which I know I would have never learned if it wasn't for this beautiful Air Force life..
1) You are stronger than you realized or thought you could ever be. Everyone says this, but its so true. There are some days I feel like I can barely take care of myself, let alone my young toddler and infant. But by God's strength he gives me, I manage to still pull through and meet every need that needs to be met that day and then some.
2) You discover the people you really thought you could rely on for support during this season of life aren't there, and the ones you never thought would offer support are right there for you. Learn from this and apply the lessons learned in your life, you will be a happier person.
3) Prayer becomes a multiple times/day routine. Whether its praying for your spouse to stay safe and healthy, or just to let you make it through the day.. prayer and time with God definitely increases. I think we learn to offer Him more praise during this time too.
4) Some days will suck. There is absolutely nothing wrong with admitting that, owning those feelings, and staying in your pajamas all day and eating chocolate while the kids destroy the house ;) You just pray for a better tomorrow.
5) You will realize just how much you actually love and cherish your spouse. Sure you may fight and have your times, but when they are far away and in danger's path and really not being guaranteed they will walk through that door way at home ever again.. you realize just how much they mean to you and how much you love and cherish them.
6) There's nothing wrong with asking for help. I personally struggled a lot with this in the beginning, but I soon realized I wouldn't survive this deployment if I didn't start asking for some help.
7) You will grow even closer to your children. I have always loved my boys and always will, but there's just something about playing the roles of both mama and daddy to your kids, doing your own daily routine together, celebrating holidays just the four of us, and witnessing every new milestone together that make you grow even closer. It's really a wonderful feeling.
8) You have to find your happy place. Go ahead and laugh, but my happy place is Target. I love it, I don't quite know why, I just do. Twice a week the boys and I go there. I stop at Starbucks next door for a mama drink ( A dear AF friend sent me a SB giftcard as a deployment gift, best thing ever!) and off we go in our trusty Britax double for the next two hours. Sure my kids may scream, but what toddler and infant doesn't?
9) Things can and will go wrong. I know so many friends who say this same thing, and it really is true. Whether it's health problems with yourself, the kids, the pets, or an injury.. a crazy storm, blown over tree, broken appliance, it will happen on deployment. Just expect it, and if it doesn't end up happening, you will be that much happier and relieved when deployment is over :) Along with this, there will be many 'firsts'.. perhaps the first time you have had to make a home repair on your own, or build something, or deal with certain life issues and kids all on your own, for the first time. It's scary, but it really is an amazing feeling to know you are doing this all on your own, you are accomplishing so much, and persevering through all thats being thrown your way.
10) No matter how slow the days seem to go by, remember each night when the kids are in bed, all household chores are taken care of, the pets are fed, and you are finally laying down to sleep yourself.. remember you have made it another day and you are one day closer to a sweet reuniting.
Thursday, November 14, 2013
Thursday, August 15, 2013
The Dark Side of Postpartum
I am going to be brave and blog about something that is a little bit taboo in today's society, some may look down on me as a mother for this post. I am very passionate about this topic and want other women to know they are not alone, there is nothing 'wrong' with them, and they are not any less of a mother than the mom who has the most patience with her kids and cooks the best pinterest recipes and does crafts every day, because lets face it, that just isn't realistic.
Hesitation has really been fighting me to even share my story, but I think it can really help others and it is a healthy way for me to release my feelings. My last post was about the birth of Kealan, I was still on a birth 'high' when I wrote that and really that lasted for about three weeks.. and then the bottom dropped out. It first started out with constant vivid nightmares and racing thoughts, then I started experiencing severe anxiety and panic attacks, this would escalate with Kealan's screaming, and unfortunately, Kealan screams around the clock. At just three days old he was put on medication for severe GERD after waking up in the middle of the night choking on his reflux and not being able to breathe. Having gone through postpartum depression or PPD after Eli's birth, I was sure that I would recognize the symptoms early on if I developed it after Kealan's birth. My anxiety and panic attacks became much worse, I seriously felt like I was losing my mind and going insane. Little did I know, the constant anxiety and panic attacks were PPD rearing its ugly head in the most severe form. I started seeing a therapist and she has been helping me through it.
In the midst of PPD, I also started experiencing PTSD like symptoms. I could not stop my brain from replaying the moments of my labor/birth over and over in my head. I even found it hard to sleep in my bed, I could not sleep in my bed for weeks. I could not understand this and had no idea why I was experiencing the events of labor over and over again in my head. It turns out that it's a result of birth trauma. Surprisingly, this affects 25-34% of women (http://pattch.org/resource-guide/traumatic-births-and-ptsd-definition-and-statistics/) I really only thought birth trauma happened to mamas with unexpected emergency c-sections, a very long and drawn out labor, or a vacuum assisted/forceps delivery. That isn't the case. I learned that my very short 3 hour labor was actually a very common cause of birth trauma. Everything happens so quick that the body does not have time to even process what all is going on. I first started labor in my bed by waking up to strong contractions, hence the not wanting to sleep in my bed for weeks. The whole thing was so quick and I had so much fear at the end of having him being born at home or in the car and terrible consequences resulting. I had to endure a 25 minute car ride to the hospital trying my hardest not to push him out, even though I was already crowning. I have had so many people tell me I am so lucky to have had such a short labor and my response to them is in no way what they are expecting. Precipitous labors are rough, you might not be in agony with laboring for hours, but rapid progression of labor takes a huge toll on the body, physically and mentally. I had no idea this could even be possible until this was all explained to me, I felt more 'normal'. I know there are women out there who have experienced this, and this post is for them. I believe birth is a beautiful and amazing thing, for a woman to have birth trauma is absolutely disheartening to me.
PPD is an awful monster. It robs a mother of those early and precious days with her infant that she can never get back; it can force women to alter their family planning as to how many children they want and can ruin relationships, marriages, families, and a person as a whole. According to a study released earlier this year conducted by the JAMA of Psychiatry (http://seleni.org/insight/news-information/largest-postpartum-depression-study-reveals-disturbing-statistics) 1 out of 7 women will develop PPD and the sad truth is that the majority of them suffer in silence. They think that they just aren't cut out for motherhood, that there must be something wrong with them. It makes me so sad to learn that the majority of women with PPD do not seek help for that reason, and for the fact that there really are not a whole lot of resources available to women who are struggling with this. Some OB offices have a screening they give women at their 6 week check up for PPD, my OB didn't even ask me how I was doing mentally. This proves to me that OBs should receive more education on the topic and educate women during their pregnancy of the condition.
There are days I still struggle. I still often times feel like I cannot handle Kealan because of his constant ear piercing screaming. I have found myself many times questioning God on why not only I, but so many other women have to go through this. I understand it isn't a death sentence or a terminal illness in any way, but it is so difficult, especially if you suffer in silence. I have prayed over and over again for God to help me through this and to help me enjoy these early days with my boys because I know this time is short and that this is just a season in life. I have come to realize that God is perhaps using me along with other women to encourage and educate others on the topic. I also believe God has a plan for us and perhaps what I have gone through and am currently going through in life is only preparing me and only making me stronger for what may lie ahead. I'll admit I am not a perfect mother, no mother is. Eli has been fed Cheerios countless mornings and peanut butter sandwiches for lunch more times than I can remember. But what matters is I still take care of him, I still find some time to sit down and play with him, even if Kealan is screaming and all I want to do is go to sleep after being up with him all night.. and I still take care of Kealan to the best of my ability. I found out fairly quick after Eli was born that I would never be the perfect mother, I am only the mother God has created me and shaped me to be. My boys are my miracles, having children was a very slim chance for me, 24 years old and having two boys just 16 1/2 months apart certainly was not in my life plan, but God knew things I didn't and changed that course and I am so thankful he did. So, any time I find difficulty in my job as a mother, I remember those things and also remember that I am a PPD warrior.. I got through it after Eli's birth and I can certainly do it again. Some may read this and think I am asking for pity, absolutely not. I don't want people to feel sorry for me at all, I want people to know that these two postpartum conditions are REAL and that you can and will get through them.
For anyone that is reading this and currently going through the painful days of PPD, these days will be over before you know it. Soon, they won't be small enough to cradle in your arms and cuddle with. This is just a season in life, it cannot and will not last forever. This storm will soon be over and you will start to see a ray of hope and eventually a rainbow.
For more PPD/Birth Trauma Resources
postpartum progress
postpartum support international
healing after traumatic childbirth
birth psychology
Hesitation has really been fighting me to even share my story, but I think it can really help others and it is a healthy way for me to release my feelings. My last post was about the birth of Kealan, I was still on a birth 'high' when I wrote that and really that lasted for about three weeks.. and then the bottom dropped out. It first started out with constant vivid nightmares and racing thoughts, then I started experiencing severe anxiety and panic attacks, this would escalate with Kealan's screaming, and unfortunately, Kealan screams around the clock. At just three days old he was put on medication for severe GERD after waking up in the middle of the night choking on his reflux and not being able to breathe. Having gone through postpartum depression or PPD after Eli's birth, I was sure that I would recognize the symptoms early on if I developed it after Kealan's birth. My anxiety and panic attacks became much worse, I seriously felt like I was losing my mind and going insane. Little did I know, the constant anxiety and panic attacks were PPD rearing its ugly head in the most severe form. I started seeing a therapist and she has been helping me through it.
In the midst of PPD, I also started experiencing PTSD like symptoms. I could not stop my brain from replaying the moments of my labor/birth over and over in my head. I even found it hard to sleep in my bed, I could not sleep in my bed for weeks. I could not understand this and had no idea why I was experiencing the events of labor over and over again in my head. It turns out that it's a result of birth trauma. Surprisingly, this affects 25-34% of women (http://pattch.org/resource-guide/traumatic-births-and-ptsd-definition-and-statistics/) I really only thought birth trauma happened to mamas with unexpected emergency c-sections, a very long and drawn out labor, or a vacuum assisted/forceps delivery. That isn't the case. I learned that my very short 3 hour labor was actually a very common cause of birth trauma. Everything happens so quick that the body does not have time to even process what all is going on. I first started labor in my bed by waking up to strong contractions, hence the not wanting to sleep in my bed for weeks. The whole thing was so quick and I had so much fear at the end of having him being born at home or in the car and terrible consequences resulting. I had to endure a 25 minute car ride to the hospital trying my hardest not to push him out, even though I was already crowning. I have had so many people tell me I am so lucky to have had such a short labor and my response to them is in no way what they are expecting. Precipitous labors are rough, you might not be in agony with laboring for hours, but rapid progression of labor takes a huge toll on the body, physically and mentally. I had no idea this could even be possible until this was all explained to me, I felt more 'normal'. I know there are women out there who have experienced this, and this post is for them. I believe birth is a beautiful and amazing thing, for a woman to have birth trauma is absolutely disheartening to me.
PPD is an awful monster. It robs a mother of those early and precious days with her infant that she can never get back; it can force women to alter their family planning as to how many children they want and can ruin relationships, marriages, families, and a person as a whole. According to a study released earlier this year conducted by the JAMA of Psychiatry (http://seleni.org/insight/news-information/largest-postpartum-depression-study-reveals-disturbing-statistics) 1 out of 7 women will develop PPD and the sad truth is that the majority of them suffer in silence. They think that they just aren't cut out for motherhood, that there must be something wrong with them. It makes me so sad to learn that the majority of women with PPD do not seek help for that reason, and for the fact that there really are not a whole lot of resources available to women who are struggling with this. Some OB offices have a screening they give women at their 6 week check up for PPD, my OB didn't even ask me how I was doing mentally. This proves to me that OBs should receive more education on the topic and educate women during their pregnancy of the condition.
There are days I still struggle. I still often times feel like I cannot handle Kealan because of his constant ear piercing screaming. I have found myself many times questioning God on why not only I, but so many other women have to go through this. I understand it isn't a death sentence or a terminal illness in any way, but it is so difficult, especially if you suffer in silence. I have prayed over and over again for God to help me through this and to help me enjoy these early days with my boys because I know this time is short and that this is just a season in life. I have come to realize that God is perhaps using me along with other women to encourage and educate others on the topic. I also believe God has a plan for us and perhaps what I have gone through and am currently going through in life is only preparing me and only making me stronger for what may lie ahead. I'll admit I am not a perfect mother, no mother is. Eli has been fed Cheerios countless mornings and peanut butter sandwiches for lunch more times than I can remember. But what matters is I still take care of him, I still find some time to sit down and play with him, even if Kealan is screaming and all I want to do is go to sleep after being up with him all night.. and I still take care of Kealan to the best of my ability. I found out fairly quick after Eli was born that I would never be the perfect mother, I am only the mother God has created me and shaped me to be. My boys are my miracles, having children was a very slim chance for me, 24 years old and having two boys just 16 1/2 months apart certainly was not in my life plan, but God knew things I didn't and changed that course and I am so thankful he did. So, any time I find difficulty in my job as a mother, I remember those things and also remember that I am a PPD warrior.. I got through it after Eli's birth and I can certainly do it again. Some may read this and think I am asking for pity, absolutely not. I don't want people to feel sorry for me at all, I want people to know that these two postpartum conditions are REAL and that you can and will get through them.
For anyone that is reading this and currently going through the painful days of PPD, these days will be over before you know it. Soon, they won't be small enough to cradle in your arms and cuddle with. This is just a season in life, it cannot and will not last forever. This storm will soon be over and you will start to see a ray of hope and eventually a rainbow.
For more PPD/Birth Trauma Resources
postpartum progress
postpartum support international
healing after traumatic childbirth
birth psychology
Thursday, June 6, 2013
Kealan's Birth Story
*First off, let me explain that in no way am I against medicated births, C- sections (if necessary) or really any birth choice. I think birth is a beautiful thing and a woman should have the right to choose what type of birth she so desires without being judged or criticized. I think often times some people believe that women who choose to birth naturally may think that they are 'better' or stronger than women who have medicated births, inductions, C-sections, etc. That really isn't the case, I was all for my epidural with our firstborn! I have just learned a lot since his birth and made some lifestyle changes and it was my goal to go through this pregnancy and labor/delivery without any medication. While I wasn't able to make that goal of no medication through the pregnancy due to severe 10 months of 'morning sickness' and two instances of preterm labor, it was that much more important to me to achieve the goal of laboring and delivering without any medication and as little medical intervention as possible; and I am proud to say that I achieved that goal and here is my story..
After months of contractions, I was not the least bit excited when I woke up early in the morning on my due date with contractions. I was already disappointed that I didn't go into labor just two weeks before at 38 weeks since I had Eli at that time.. and there was certainly no way I was going to be part of that 5% or 10% of women who actually go into labor on their due date.. This denial stayed with me up until I was pushing Kealan out. It was around 3:50 am Friday, May 24 when I woke Brenton up to tell him I thought I was in labor. He of course was very excited as we had very impatiently been waiting for this day. He told me to text my doula to let her know what was going on, again I was in denial and didn't want to text her so early in the morning if this was just a false alarm.. so I opted to wait until contractions became more painful to text her. Brenton started timing the contractions and they were 7 minutes apart.. no big deal. I decided to lay back down in the bed and Brenton would apply pressure to my lower back each time I had a contraction (the majority of this whole labor was back labor) maybe 20-30 minutes later contractions went from 7 mins apart to 3-5 minutes and I was having to breathe through them.. I decided then I would at least text my doula to let her know what was going on. She responded and said to stay hydrated and try to rest and call her when I needed her. Okay, that I can do. I continued to lay in bed as Brenton applied pressure to my lower back.. I still didn't think I was in true labor. About an hour later, a little before 6:00 am, Brenton reminded me that I had said I wanted to 'look good' this time for labor and maybe I should start putting on some makeup if I wanted to.. so thats what I did.. in between contractions I applied my makeup and Brenton started getting our bags together. I was really feeling a lot of pain and wanted to get into the tub but didn't want to stall labor, especially this early on. Brenton suggested maybe we should go for a walk around the block.. I declined and said that I really didn't think I could handle going up the hill. ( I am so glad I made that decision!) I decided to go downstairs and walk down there and get some ice. On my way down the stairs I had to stop and hover over the railing as a very strong contraction hit.. it was then that I was starting to think that maybe this was the real thing and text my doula that she needed to come over. I get downstairs and fix me a cup of ice and start chewing on the ice and decide to lean over the couch and do some pelvic rocks, it was around this time that the contractions were starting to come every 30 seconds to 1 min and I instantly started feeling extremely nauseous and shaky.. looking back I was probably in transition during this time. I immediately tell Brenton that we need to go to the hospital NOW and to go wake Eli up immediately and to call our doula to tell her just to meet us at the hospital. He tried to persuade me to not leave yet to wait for the doula to get to our house to see her opinion.. I responded in a voice that Brenton said he has never heard before and he quickly went up the stairs to go get Eli up and dressed. At this point I was in so much pain that I didn't really no what to do other than to moan and pray loudly through the contractions, then for some reason I decided to go into our front hallway and I started scratching at the walls trying to climb them, it was then that my doula came through the door and immediately afterwards another strong contraction hit and I felt my water break. I panicked and screamed that my water had broken as my doula tried to calm me and said that was perfectly okay. Not even 20 secs later I really felt the need to go to the bathroom so into the bathroom I went. I apparently started making grunting noises because my doula came in and asked if I was pushing, I tried to explain that I just needed to go to the bathroom, she then tells me I am pushing and to stop! All I could do was continuously scream that I wanted a bath.. (this went on and on.. my plan of pain management was to get into a bath, and I was beyond ready for a warm tub to get into!) She goes and gets Brenton and informs him I am on the toilet pushing.. poor guy, I cannot imagine what was going through his head. She tried so hard to get me off of my toilet.. I still just thought if I could just go to the bathroom maybe it would take the edge off of these contractions.. she then informed me that if I pushed our baby out into the toilet he would be taken to NICU once we arrived to the hospital and I did not want that.. she finally got me off of my toilet and I shuffled my feet to the car. Now the hospital we were to deliver at is 25 minutes away.. we did not have 25 minutes. We left the house at 7:00 (Kealan was born at 7:19) and Brenton was speeding, driving on the shoulder, running red lights, doing everything he could to get us to the hospital all while I was in the passenger seat trying my hardest not to push.. each time a contraction came and I tried not to push the pain was so intense and I would scream.. and scream loud. It seemed that the louder I screamed the more it helped.. poor Eli was in the backseat listening to all of this. We finally get to the hospital as Brenton runs into the ER, he gets back into the car when he puts the car in REVERSE and starts backing up.. I looked at him and asked him what in the hell was he doing.. he explained that the ER staff told him to park in the ambulance bay and they would have some people out to help immediately. They were right.. immediately we had tons of nurses and the ER dr pulling me out of the car and into a wheelchair where they physically kept my legs closed and kept yelling at me not to push.. all while my poor husband had to go park the car and a nurse took Eli.. we finally get up to L&D where a team of nurses were waiting.. they immediately take off my pants put a gown on over my shirt and lay me on the bed.. I was still screaming that I wanted a bath and they informed me they needed to check me first and then maybe I could get into the bath.. they uncross my legs and a nurse yells that I am crowning and that we need a dr ASAP.. I still was screaming for a bath.. what seemed like an eternity later (which was really just a minute) Brenton arrived and so did the OB (come to find out, she had to run over from across the street from the clinic as they did not have an OB in the hospital at that time) .. I could finally push! Kealan was out in just 2 contractions.. I think pushing was perhaps almost the hardest part.. I had always been told that there is a sensation known as 'the ring of fire' hahahahaha that is an understatement! I remember wanting to give up but at the same time the urge was so strong to push to get him out.. while it hurt really bad, it felt so good to push by responding to my own body, not by nurses or an OB telling me when to push.. I remember the last contraction and pushing as hard as I could and immediately felt relief.. he was out!! He was born at 7:19.. we arrived to the hospital at 7:12. He was a very healthy boy at 7 lbs 11 oz and 20 in. long. He nursed soon after birth.. this was completely opposite of Eli, he never did latch. I cuddled with him as Brenton, Eli, and I ordered room service of a great breakfast. It was pure bliss.
The whole experience was truly amazing and nothing short of a miracle. Normally on a Friday morning at 7:00 am, there is a ton of rush hour traffic in Omaha. However, it just so happened to be the start of Memorial Day weekend so traffic was not nearly as bad as normal. Thank God for that or else we really could have had a car baby.. just five minutes would have made all the difference. The crazy driving that my husband did, I am so thankful and blessed that we didn't end up in a head on collision or something.. it was as if God took control of that steering wheel and put His foot on the gas pedal to get us to the hospital safely and in time.
While this was the most intense and painful thing I have ever done, I don't plan on doing a thing differently next time, except for maybe getting to the hospital quicker. Not only had I labored/delivered without any medication, I didn't have an IV or even a hep lock.. it was the most non medical birth you could get in a hospital. We really had no complications, I did end up having a 2nd degree tear and some problems with excessive bleeding and blood pressure later in the day but all was quickly resolved and we were back home just 24 hours later. I still can't believe this all played out like it did, but I am so thankful. While it wasn't exactly ideal for Eli to witness the labor/delivery, it will make for a really cool story one day. How many people can say they witnessed their sibling being born?
After months of contractions, I was not the least bit excited when I woke up early in the morning on my due date with contractions. I was already disappointed that I didn't go into labor just two weeks before at 38 weeks since I had Eli at that time.. and there was certainly no way I was going to be part of that 5% or 10% of women who actually go into labor on their due date.. This denial stayed with me up until I was pushing Kealan out. It was around 3:50 am Friday, May 24 when I woke Brenton up to tell him I thought I was in labor. He of course was very excited as we had very impatiently been waiting for this day. He told me to text my doula to let her know what was going on, again I was in denial and didn't want to text her so early in the morning if this was just a false alarm.. so I opted to wait until contractions became more painful to text her. Brenton started timing the contractions and they were 7 minutes apart.. no big deal. I decided to lay back down in the bed and Brenton would apply pressure to my lower back each time I had a contraction (the majority of this whole labor was back labor) maybe 20-30 minutes later contractions went from 7 mins apart to 3-5 minutes and I was having to breathe through them.. I decided then I would at least text my doula to let her know what was going on. She responded and said to stay hydrated and try to rest and call her when I needed her. Okay, that I can do. I continued to lay in bed as Brenton applied pressure to my lower back.. I still didn't think I was in true labor. About an hour later, a little before 6:00 am, Brenton reminded me that I had said I wanted to 'look good' this time for labor and maybe I should start putting on some makeup if I wanted to.. so thats what I did.. in between contractions I applied my makeup and Brenton started getting our bags together. I was really feeling a lot of pain and wanted to get into the tub but didn't want to stall labor, especially this early on. Brenton suggested maybe we should go for a walk around the block.. I declined and said that I really didn't think I could handle going up the hill. ( I am so glad I made that decision!) I decided to go downstairs and walk down there and get some ice. On my way down the stairs I had to stop and hover over the railing as a very strong contraction hit.. it was then that I was starting to think that maybe this was the real thing and text my doula that she needed to come over. I get downstairs and fix me a cup of ice and start chewing on the ice and decide to lean over the couch and do some pelvic rocks, it was around this time that the contractions were starting to come every 30 seconds to 1 min and I instantly started feeling extremely nauseous and shaky.. looking back I was probably in transition during this time. I immediately tell Brenton that we need to go to the hospital NOW and to go wake Eli up immediately and to call our doula to tell her just to meet us at the hospital. He tried to persuade me to not leave yet to wait for the doula to get to our house to see her opinion.. I responded in a voice that Brenton said he has never heard before and he quickly went up the stairs to go get Eli up and dressed. At this point I was in so much pain that I didn't really no what to do other than to moan and pray loudly through the contractions, then for some reason I decided to go into our front hallway and I started scratching at the walls trying to climb them, it was then that my doula came through the door and immediately afterwards another strong contraction hit and I felt my water break. I panicked and screamed that my water had broken as my doula tried to calm me and said that was perfectly okay. Not even 20 secs later I really felt the need to go to the bathroom so into the bathroom I went. I apparently started making grunting noises because my doula came in and asked if I was pushing, I tried to explain that I just needed to go to the bathroom, she then tells me I am pushing and to stop! All I could do was continuously scream that I wanted a bath.. (this went on and on.. my plan of pain management was to get into a bath, and I was beyond ready for a warm tub to get into!) She goes and gets Brenton and informs him I am on the toilet pushing.. poor guy, I cannot imagine what was going through his head. She tried so hard to get me off of my toilet.. I still just thought if I could just go to the bathroom maybe it would take the edge off of these contractions.. she then informed me that if I pushed our baby out into the toilet he would be taken to NICU once we arrived to the hospital and I did not want that.. she finally got me off of my toilet and I shuffled my feet to the car. Now the hospital we were to deliver at is 25 minutes away.. we did not have 25 minutes. We left the house at 7:00 (Kealan was born at 7:19) and Brenton was speeding, driving on the shoulder, running red lights, doing everything he could to get us to the hospital all while I was in the passenger seat trying my hardest not to push.. each time a contraction came and I tried not to push the pain was so intense and I would scream.. and scream loud. It seemed that the louder I screamed the more it helped.. poor Eli was in the backseat listening to all of this. We finally get to the hospital as Brenton runs into the ER, he gets back into the car when he puts the car in REVERSE and starts backing up.. I looked at him and asked him what in the hell was he doing.. he explained that the ER staff told him to park in the ambulance bay and they would have some people out to help immediately. They were right.. immediately we had tons of nurses and the ER dr pulling me out of the car and into a wheelchair where they physically kept my legs closed and kept yelling at me not to push.. all while my poor husband had to go park the car and a nurse took Eli.. we finally get up to L&D where a team of nurses were waiting.. they immediately take off my pants put a gown on over my shirt and lay me on the bed.. I was still screaming that I wanted a bath and they informed me they needed to check me first and then maybe I could get into the bath.. they uncross my legs and a nurse yells that I am crowning and that we need a dr ASAP.. I still was screaming for a bath.. what seemed like an eternity later (which was really just a minute) Brenton arrived and so did the OB (come to find out, she had to run over from across the street from the clinic as they did not have an OB in the hospital at that time) .. I could finally push! Kealan was out in just 2 contractions.. I think pushing was perhaps almost the hardest part.. I had always been told that there is a sensation known as 'the ring of fire' hahahahaha that is an understatement! I remember wanting to give up but at the same time the urge was so strong to push to get him out.. while it hurt really bad, it felt so good to push by responding to my own body, not by nurses or an OB telling me when to push.. I remember the last contraction and pushing as hard as I could and immediately felt relief.. he was out!! He was born at 7:19.. we arrived to the hospital at 7:12. He was a very healthy boy at 7 lbs 11 oz and 20 in. long. He nursed soon after birth.. this was completely opposite of Eli, he never did latch. I cuddled with him as Brenton, Eli, and I ordered room service of a great breakfast. It was pure bliss.
The whole experience was truly amazing and nothing short of a miracle. Normally on a Friday morning at 7:00 am, there is a ton of rush hour traffic in Omaha. However, it just so happened to be the start of Memorial Day weekend so traffic was not nearly as bad as normal. Thank God for that or else we really could have had a car baby.. just five minutes would have made all the difference. The crazy driving that my husband did, I am so thankful and blessed that we didn't end up in a head on collision or something.. it was as if God took control of that steering wheel and put His foot on the gas pedal to get us to the hospital safely and in time.
While this was the most intense and painful thing I have ever done, I don't plan on doing a thing differently next time, except for maybe getting to the hospital quicker. Not only had I labored/delivered without any medication, I didn't have an IV or even a hep lock.. it was the most non medical birth you could get in a hospital. We really had no complications, I did end up having a 2nd degree tear and some problems with excessive bleeding and blood pressure later in the day but all was quickly resolved and we were back home just 24 hours later. I still can't believe this all played out like it did, but I am so thankful. While it wasn't exactly ideal for Eli to witness the labor/delivery, it will make for a really cool story one day. How many people can say they witnessed their sibling being born?
Wednesday, February 27, 2013
Breakfast With A Toddler and Mayflower Update!
Eating these days is one of Eli's favorite things to do. Wait, who am I kidding? That has been one of his favorite things to do since he came out of me.. anyways, the kid loves to eat. Now by no means am I one of those moms that make every meal and snack from scratch, but I do try to make and feed him a healthy diet and limit his sugar intake. (Yes, I am one of those mean moms who doesn't give juice or any other beverage except water or milk, except for special occasions) With that being said, he usually has a breakfast of pancakes (without butter and syrup, I don't see how he eats it like that but I haven't ever given it to him any other way so I guess he doesn't know any different) and fruit. Well, the past week we ran out of pancakes and to be honest, these days I am too tired to fix him anything except a bottle so I throw some cheerios on his tray and call it good. Well this worked for a while, he isn't a huge fan of cheerios but he does eat them. But still, his favorite is pancakes. Yesterday morning I got up and had a rough night the night before and had already decided he was getting cheerios again. I put him in his highchair, opened up the refrigerator to get to the milk and he became so excited and started banging on his tray and yelling at me all while having the biggest smile on his face.. then I did the most terrible thing possible and put cheerios on his tray.. oh.my.goodness. The poor guy immediately put his head down and that smile was gone.. he let out a big sigh and started to slowly eat the cheerios as if he were forcing them down. Trying my hardest not to laugh, I quickly decided for the next day I would make him something special, no matter how tired I was. That day was today, and while I would like to say and I think my husband would agree, I am an okay, average cook.. that is until it comes to breakfast food. I don't know what it is, but I just can't make pancakes or french toast to save my life. The pancakes or french toast always end up burnt and very pathetic looking.. well this morning I made probably one of the most pathetic looking batches of french toast I have ever made.. and Eli LOVED it. He didn't care what it looked like or the fact that breakfast took a little longer this morning.. it brought the biggest smile to his face and of course, made this mama's day. Its pretty amazing to think how doing something as small as making the most pathetic looking batch of french toast can make your sweet boy so happy. It didn't taste half bad either ;)
Now for a Mayflower update. I am approaching my 28th week (yay for 3rd and final trimester!!!!) I can't believe how fast this pregnancy is going but at the same time feels like it just keeps dragging on. While I cherish these last few months with just being a family of 3, I honestly cannot wait until this baby is out! I just can't do and haven't been able to (at least not easily) the mama I would like to be to Eli. It really breaks my heart because I feel as if I am cheating him, but at the same time I realize I am no longer just a mother to him, I am now a mother to two. And while I do feel guilty and feel bad that he won't be getting all the attention anymore, I think it will be a good thing and he will be a great big brother. He has recently really started to notice my belly (I don't know how you couldn't notice the large thing, but I thought that was exciting!) and every time he touches it we say to him 'baby' .. the other day we said "say baby, Eli.." He looked at us and shook his head no and yelled 'no!' Oh my.. he will get there. From the very beginning, (we found out we were expecting again when Eli was just 7 months.. talk about a surprise) this pregnancy has been extremely difficult. First it was not knowing whether this pregnancy was indeed an intrauterine pregnancy or if it was even viable, so we played the game for two weeks of having to go every other day to get blood drawn to check hormone levels, then it was the constant 24/7 all day sickness, then it was preterm labor at 21 weeks and trying different meds and shots to see what would work and what wouldn't, and now its trying to take it as easy as possible to keep uterus calm and contractions at bay.. and keep Eli happy and well cared for all while dealing with the 24/7 sickness again, the heartburn/reflux, and having Mayflower decide he wants to 'drop' now and dealing with the feeling of him falling out every time I get up and walk. Okay, enough complaining for now.. but perhaps you understand my feelings of wanting this baby out. . I can finally be an active mama and actually get down on the floor and play with Eli for more than just a few minutes or at all! I think the biggest thing I am looking forward to is that he is due in late May (whether I actually make it to late May, that is the question) and it will be warm weather then and we can go out and take walks as a family, have picnics, go to the park, I am so excited for it all! Another big update in Mayflower news is that we have hired a doula to help assist us in the labor and birth process. A big reason being that Brenton might not even be here when I go into labor (unless Mayflower wants to be like his brother and put mama into labor in the middle of the night on a weekend) and also, while I was satisfied with my birthing experience with Eli, there were a few things that happened that I do not want happening again. I learned a lot from my birth with him and hoping things are different this time. I know you can only plan so much and while I wish I had 100% control, I know that isn't possible and anything can arise, but for right now we have a good plan with our doula and my body is already (sparing you the details) preparing pretty early on for labor.. I just did this 13 months ago so I think its remembering just a little too well. There are only 86 more days left until the 'due date' and we cannot wait to bring this precious baby boy into our lives!
Now for a Mayflower update. I am approaching my 28th week (yay for 3rd and final trimester!!!!) I can't believe how fast this pregnancy is going but at the same time feels like it just keeps dragging on. While I cherish these last few months with just being a family of 3, I honestly cannot wait until this baby is out! I just can't do and haven't been able to (at least not easily) the mama I would like to be to Eli. It really breaks my heart because I feel as if I am cheating him, but at the same time I realize I am no longer just a mother to him, I am now a mother to two. And while I do feel guilty and feel bad that he won't be getting all the attention anymore, I think it will be a good thing and he will be a great big brother. He has recently really started to notice my belly (I don't know how you couldn't notice the large thing, but I thought that was exciting!) and every time he touches it we say to him 'baby' .. the other day we said "say baby, Eli.." He looked at us and shook his head no and yelled 'no!' Oh my.. he will get there. From the very beginning, (we found out we were expecting again when Eli was just 7 months.. talk about a surprise) this pregnancy has been extremely difficult. First it was not knowing whether this pregnancy was indeed an intrauterine pregnancy or if it was even viable, so we played the game for two weeks of having to go every other day to get blood drawn to check hormone levels, then it was the constant 24/7 all day sickness, then it was preterm labor at 21 weeks and trying different meds and shots to see what would work and what wouldn't, and now its trying to take it as easy as possible to keep uterus calm and contractions at bay.. and keep Eli happy and well cared for all while dealing with the 24/7 sickness again, the heartburn/reflux, and having Mayflower decide he wants to 'drop' now and dealing with the feeling of him falling out every time I get up and walk. Okay, enough complaining for now.. but perhaps you understand my feelings of wanting this baby out. . I can finally be an active mama and actually get down on the floor and play with Eli for more than just a few minutes or at all! I think the biggest thing I am looking forward to is that he is due in late May (whether I actually make it to late May, that is the question) and it will be warm weather then and we can go out and take walks as a family, have picnics, go to the park, I am so excited for it all! Another big update in Mayflower news is that we have hired a doula to help assist us in the labor and birth process. A big reason being that Brenton might not even be here when I go into labor (unless Mayflower wants to be like his brother and put mama into labor in the middle of the night on a weekend) and also, while I was satisfied with my birthing experience with Eli, there were a few things that happened that I do not want happening again. I learned a lot from my birth with him and hoping things are different this time. I know you can only plan so much and while I wish I had 100% control, I know that isn't possible and anything can arise, but for right now we have a good plan with our doula and my body is already (sparing you the details) preparing pretty early on for labor.. I just did this 13 months ago so I think its remembering just a little too well. There are only 86 more days left until the 'due date' and we cannot wait to bring this precious baby boy into our lives!
Monday, January 28, 2013
Wintertime Fun!
Let's face it.. winter is just boring and depressing. Especially when you live in what you could almost look at as Alaska (okay maybe not that extreme but still really cold) and have an active toddler. After days of the same old monotonous routine and playing in Eli's playroom I decided enough was enough and if I was about to lose my mind by not being able to get out and do anything thanks to the cold weather, continuous icy sidewalks, and preterm labor.. then Eli was probably most definitely getting bored as well so I decided to make something up myself to do..
Bathtub Pudding Time!!
We had so much fun with this.. especially Eli. At first he just sat there and ate it and then I showed him he could squish it between his hands, smear it all over the tub, his body, or just throw it and watch it splat. It was a blast and the best part is clean up was so easy.. The whole family became involved; daddy took some time out of his studying and joined Eli in eating some pudding (from the bowl of course) Charma and Occie came up to see what all the laughing and noise was about, and even Mayflower was kicking up a storm. The best part: mama decided to spread the pudding all over the tub and create a slide.. it was hilarious watching Eli slide down the tub and really put a smile on all of our faces and made us laugh so hard.. which we all needed after the rough past few weeks we have had. I foresee many bathtub pudding times in the future for Eli and Mayflower... while I am very nervous, I am so excited to bring another baby into this world and give Eli the best gift I could ever give him, a sibling and friend for life!
Bathtub Pudding Time!!
We had so much fun with this.. especially Eli. At first he just sat there and ate it and then I showed him he could squish it between his hands, smear it all over the tub, his body, or just throw it and watch it splat. It was a blast and the best part is clean up was so easy.. The whole family became involved; daddy took some time out of his studying and joined Eli in eating some pudding (from the bowl of course) Charma and Occie came up to see what all the laughing and noise was about, and even Mayflower was kicking up a storm. The best part: mama decided to spread the pudding all over the tub and create a slide.. it was hilarious watching Eli slide down the tub and really put a smile on all of our faces and made us laugh so hard.. which we all needed after the rough past few weeks we have had. I foresee many bathtub pudding times in the future for Eli and Mayflower... while I am very nervous, I am so excited to bring another baby into this world and give Eli the best gift I could ever give him, a sibling and friend for life!
Tuesday, January 22, 2013
Becoming a Mama: Sleep is A Forever Thing of the Past
Sleep, you know that little thing where you get into bed and lay down and close your eyes and hear nothing but the sound of a fan or the furnace kicking on.. yeah thats a thing of the past and has been for quite a while now. Whether its Eli protesting sleep or contractions and nausea preventing me from laying down to a nice night's rest, sleep just isn't happening these days. . This is really just a vent of mine about what is going on in this pregnancy with Mayflower, so if you don't want to read about it.. exit out of this window now. You have been warned.
I am trying my hardest to be thankful and not complain throughout all of this, I really am, and believe me, I am very thankful and feel incredibly blessed we still have Mayflower snuggled nice and cozy inside, but I feel like I just need to vent. I will probably look back at this one day and show Mayflower just what all he put his mama through ;) As most everyone knows, for some odd reason I went into PTL last weekend and was having regular contractions spaced just 5 minutes apart, sometimes even 4 minutes apart. I continued this pattern for a total of 6-7 hours and thankfully was released after they started to calm down with the help of medication every 30 minutes. I saw my OB the next day and he told me he had no idea why this was happening and it was concerning that I am in such an active contraction pattern being only in my 5th month of pregnancy and that if it continues we might have some problems.. thank you for stating the obvious. I left the office with instructions to continue medication, rest, try to urinate every 30 minutes, and stay as hydrated as possible because any lack of hydration can stimulate a contraction which I obviously did not need. And also if the contractions became any more intense or I started having some other symptoms to go back to L&D or give him a call. Easy enough instructions.. fast forward 3 days later when contractions are still painful and frequent.. I call and this time get told that they are trying everything they can to get me through this at home and to just stay laying down on my left side at all times except to get up and go to the bathroom.. and basically it was up to me when to go back to L&D or when I started contracting again every 5 minutes, I was doing everything they could do at L&D just the same at home, other than the fetal monitoring. Okay, I can deal with that.. and the whole laying down at all times thing.. sure I can do that with a one year old who is toddling around, into everything, finds microscopic particles of only God knows what on just vacuumed floors and puts said particles into his mouth while I quickly have to dive to the floor to retrieve it from his mouth before he swallows it, and tries to break down baby gates.. sure, not a problem.
So here I am almost 1 am up with bad contractions/nausea AGAIN. My lovely special little person who I love more than life itself, and known as a toddler now will be up in just 5-6 hours screaming for me and wanting breakfast.. and recharged and ready for me to chase after him all day, so why in this world am I still up? I have pumped my poor body full of medications that are supposedly helping that I am really completely against but feel like I have no choice in taking. I hate drugging my baby. The frustrating thing is, when do I call it and say enough is enough and go back to L&D to ensure the safety of Mayflower and I? Even my dr can't answer this, I know my body better than anyone else.. yes thats true but dr I had no idea when I came in last weekend I was contracting every 5 minutes and had no idea they were true contractions. Heck, I didn't even know I was in labor with Eli! These contractions are becoming all too common and I am beginning to think I won't know when I am in actual labor.. whenever that may be. The doctors can say whatever they want but God only knows when this little guy is coming. For all we know he may just be giving his mama a quick refresher for mid pregnancy and decide to not come until a week after his due date! In the meantime I will just continue to time my contractions and count my blessings for the next 3 1/2 months..
Monday, January 7, 2013
Happy 1st Birthday Eli!!!
I truly cannot believe that our sweet boy is one year old today.. at exactly 2:56 pm. This year has been one of the best years and most challenging in my life. I would be lying if I said this whole year was nothing but fun and giggles. Parenthood is hard, there is no other way to put it. With that being said, its so very rewarding. I kind of look at it like Brenton and I have made it a year.. today marks the one year anniversary of us becoming parents and I can't help but to think about all of the memories and milestones we had with Eli in his first year of life and how, even with being an infant, he has taught us so much along the way. Its truly amazing just how much your child teaches you, as parents we teach our children all the time and often think of it that way, but have you ever stopped to realize how your child teaches you? Eli Glenn has taught us a lot his first year, he taught us patience with all of the sleepless nights he gave us (and still does), and he taught us just what true love means. I can't even begin to explain the amount of love I feel for him and it just grows more and more every day. I remember immediately after giving birth, Brenton placed him on my chest and all I could do was look at him and cry.. that moment felt like pure bliss. I look forward to the many more memories that lie ahead.
Here is a comparison picture from just a a day old to a whole year old!
We love our sweet boy so much and are so thankful and blessed! We prayed and prayed for this little guy and God answered our prayers. Our life would not be the same without him!
And just for the record, I have cried only twice today.. once right at midnight, but I blame the commercial that had the song "You are so beautiful" playing in the background and another time this morning when we were watching the video of his birth. Mama and daddy love you so much Eli!!!!!
Here is a comparison picture from just a a day old to a whole year old!
We love our sweet boy so much and are so thankful and blessed! We prayed and prayed for this little guy and God answered our prayers. Our life would not be the same without him!
And just for the record, I have cried only twice today.. once right at midnight, but I blame the commercial that had the song "You are so beautiful" playing in the background and another time this morning when we were watching the video of his birth. Mama and daddy love you so much Eli!!!!!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)