It's not one of my strong points. In fact, it's probably known amongst many that know me, to be one of my weakest points. We all find it hard to practice this important virtue, especially in difficult situations.
I have found this to be true for me in many circumstances, whether its simply waiting for a pizza to be delivered, or in more complex situations, such as been the case in the past six months. I do believe in coincidence, but I also believe that God speaks to us and presents us with opportunities and situations to grow and strengthen us, in our own personal growth, but in our spiritual relationship with him as well. No one knows what this future holds (for a control freak and for someone who has OCD, it drives me absolutely crazy at times) True story ;) Now I am just getting off on a tangent, anyways, there have been too many situations lately that required a lot of patience, and I know it was God speaking to me.
The best example of this in my life is with our oldest son, Eli. Many of you know that we went through a loss and infertility treatments to conceive him. We were overjoyed when we found out we were finally expecting, and when he came into our lives on that mild January afternoon in small town Mississippi.. our lives were forever changed, we just didn't know how much he would change our lives. I think I speak for both my husband and myself when I say this, we would give anything to hear our little man speak to us. As we are approaching his 3rd birthday, I find myself really really struggling with this. I keep comparing him to other kids, I keep comparing our situation to that of others, I know I shouldn't do this, everyone has different circumstances, but it's so hard. I frequently have dreams of him just coming up to me and starting a conversation.. actually speaking to us.. calling me mama and knowing that I am indeed his mama.. those moments in dreamland are really amazing, dreams which I hope come true sooner than later.
There are other desires of my heart that I long for and worries I have. I recently shared these with my husband, and he gave me simple advice: "Darcie, you just have to trust God" I found myself tearing up after he told me this, such simple simple words, not sure if I was tearing up because I found myself not trusting God and doubting his future plans for our family or that it was really a reminder of comfort and that he will continue to carry and sustain us, we just need to be still. That right there friends, that is my goal. Does this mean I am going to stop all worrying and ignore my desires? Absolutely not, I am only human, a mother at that ;) But what it does mean is that I am going to try my best to let go and let things happen. God knows the desires of my heart, he knows my dreams and concerns, but he also has a much better plan for my life than I could ever even begin to understand.
My reasons for writing this today are for myself and for others I know that are having a hard time with patience in their lives. I know its easier said than done, but really, take a few minutes and just let go, realize the things you do have control over and the things you do not, for the things you have no control over, let them go, even if for just a moment, let go and let God direct the next steps.
Friday, December 5, 2014
Monday, August 18, 2014
Why It's Okay To Not Be Okay
Okay, so let me just start out by saying that I try to see the bright side of everything, I have always been thankful for that trait of being an optimist, but let me tell you: sometimes ya need to feel all the feels!
Life can bring about some crazy things and situations that you would never expect to find yourself in.. Often times, I have found myself saying "well this sucks but... Or "this really upsets me but... It could be worse.. Others have it so much worse than I do" Well let me tell ya, if you find yourself doing this.. Stop it! Just stop! Sometimes you just need to be able to say (and without guilt) wow, this really does suck! I am not saying that you need to throw yourself a pity party every night.. In fact, please don't.. Because that's just not productive and only leads to puffy eyes, a red face, and a headache ;) Not to mention those negative feelings and attitude can be a hard rut to get out of.
As a mama, especially lately, I have tried to turn every bad situation into something positive and it's not healthy.. Pretending to be happy or okay when we are far from being okay is just not right. Something I remind myself every day is that every person we come into contact today is fighting a battle we know nothing about.. Recently, I was asked by founder of Postpartum Progress to submit a photo of myself along with a description as to what I was going through at the time the picture was taken; the days when I was going through some of the darkest days of my PPD/PPA. Several other women submitted their pictures and descriptions and it was seriously so eye opening. Some people are really really good at hiding their inner battles. I mean, heck, I was trying to support others and help them when I could barely help myself. I might catch some grief for this, but I sometimes wonder if the people who seem to have the most positive outlooks all the time are fighting some pretty awful battles within theirselves..
This could really go for any 'invisible illness' . I struggle with and have family members that struggle with many of these, as I'm sure a lot of you do (ASD, Endometriosis, MS, Crohn's, Celiac's, Lyme's, Fibromyalgia, rare genetic disorders, Lupus, depression, anxiety, Bipolar, etc) the list goes on and on, but the point I'm trying to make is that these people fight battles within theirselves every single day, battles many cannot even begin to comprehend, yet no one even knows, often leading to feelings of depression and loneliness. I think society kind of teaches us that if a person looks okay, then they must be okay. Oh how interesting it would be if everyone could see what is going on in the inside of peoples' bodies... There would be a lot more understanding and I think negative stigmas would decrease.
This post has gone on longer than intended, the whole idea of this post came from today's blog post by Postpartum Progress 'You Can't Tell By Looking' After looking back on not only my photo, but several others, it's extremely disheartening to me that so many people suffer every day in silence. So I'm here to say: it really is okay to not be okay.
Life can bring about some crazy things and situations that you would never expect to find yourself in.. Often times, I have found myself saying "well this sucks but... Or "this really upsets me but... It could be worse.. Others have it so much worse than I do" Well let me tell ya, if you find yourself doing this.. Stop it! Just stop! Sometimes you just need to be able to say (and without guilt) wow, this really does suck! I am not saying that you need to throw yourself a pity party every night.. In fact, please don't.. Because that's just not productive and only leads to puffy eyes, a red face, and a headache ;) Not to mention those negative feelings and attitude can be a hard rut to get out of.
As a mama, especially lately, I have tried to turn every bad situation into something positive and it's not healthy.. Pretending to be happy or okay when we are far from being okay is just not right. Something I remind myself every day is that every person we come into contact today is fighting a battle we know nothing about.. Recently, I was asked by founder of Postpartum Progress to submit a photo of myself along with a description as to what I was going through at the time the picture was taken; the days when I was going through some of the darkest days of my PPD/PPA. Several other women submitted their pictures and descriptions and it was seriously so eye opening. Some people are really really good at hiding their inner battles. I mean, heck, I was trying to support others and help them when I could barely help myself. I might catch some grief for this, but I sometimes wonder if the people who seem to have the most positive outlooks all the time are fighting some pretty awful battles within theirselves..
This could really go for any 'invisible illness' . I struggle with and have family members that struggle with many of these, as I'm sure a lot of you do (ASD, Endometriosis, MS, Crohn's, Celiac's, Lyme's, Fibromyalgia, rare genetic disorders, Lupus, depression, anxiety, Bipolar, etc) the list goes on and on, but the point I'm trying to make is that these people fight battles within theirselves every single day, battles many cannot even begin to comprehend, yet no one even knows, often leading to feelings of depression and loneliness. I think society kind of teaches us that if a person looks okay, then they must be okay. Oh how interesting it would be if everyone could see what is going on in the inside of peoples' bodies... There would be a lot more understanding and I think negative stigmas would decrease.
This post has gone on longer than intended, the whole idea of this post came from today's blog post by Postpartum Progress 'You Can't Tell By Looking' After looking back on not only my photo, but several others, it's extremely disheartening to me that so many people suffer every day in silence. So I'm here to say: it really is okay to not be okay.
Wednesday, July 9, 2014
Family Updates
It's been forever and a day since I've last posted. So so much is happening and has happened, I don't really even know where to begin. I guess it would be easiest to post updates by months, so let's start with April.
April: We celebrated K's 1st Easter, mama's birthday, and mama started working diligently on a fundraiser she decided to set up in Omaha to raise awareness for perinatal/postpartum mood disorders. Okay, now I'll stop typing in 3rd person ;) Considering everything we had going on, I might have been just a little crazy to take the fundraiser on, but I'm so glad I did. I have had several people message me to tell me that after seeing me tell my story on the news, it helped them, either by going back and processing their own postpartum experience, helping them with postpartum issues at the present time, or helping a family member with postpartum issues to get help. I'm so so glad I decided to go ahead with the fundraiser and move forward with it, even if I would have just helped one person, it would have been worth it.
May: K turned ONE!! Yes, my sweet surprise baby K who came into this world as fast as lightning, is now one.. I cannot believe it, his whole first year was just a blur it seems like. We celebrated by having a party here at home with family, Red, White, and ONE! It was so much fun :)
June: This was a hard month, a very hard month. Eli was diagnosed with non-verbal ASD (autism spectrum disorder) and two other disorders. We started the search for different therapies for him, we learned so much about so many things in just a short amount of time, things which we never would think we would ever have to worry about. A few days after Eli's diagnoses, B and I celebrated our 4th wedding anniversary. It was nice to look back to see how far we have come, reminisce about the days before kids, and talk about the future together. Oh and did I mention that Mr. Romance (yes, my husband) took me for a carriage ride in downtown Omaha and along the MO River? He is still just as sweet and romantic as he was when we first met 8 years ago! We had a great time celebrating, it was nice to not talk autism and therapies for a night. Soon, too soon, it was time for another deployment. B was able to see Eli's 1st speech therapy session, which was great, but we all had to say our 'see ya laters' the next day.
July: so here we are in July.. I saw someone post about Christmas being 6 months away and I might have slapped them in the face.. In my mind that is. I don't even want to think about winter, the boys and I are really enjoying outside time and fun at the park and in the water! Oh and I am loving mowing the lawn, call me crazy, but I love the smell and the look of a freshly mowed lawn. Mowing is part of my 'happy time' the other parts of that are outside yoga and eating cookies while I watch Netflix at night... It's great times! Anyways, for the past week I have had our niece up here visiting, the boys and I picked her up at the beginning of the month and we have had a great time, well as much as we can with all the therapy and dr appts.
That pretty much sums up our family update. Wait! No, no it's not. B pinned on Captain a couple weeks ago, so that was an accomplishment we were really proud of!
So, I'm serious this time, that's our family update. I have so many that have asked me how I'm doing lately, my response is always 'I'm okay'. I would be lying if I said I was fine, I'm still trying to process everything with Eli, trying to get him to all of his therapy and make phone calls to try to get into more, still make sure K is taken care of and not left out, and trying my hardest to take care of myself and my recent health needs. Most days I am trying to my hardest to console Eli, try to distract K from Eli's tantrums, and think to myself.. I just can't do this anymore. I know we have all had those thoughts, our breaking points, my hope is that with lots of therapy, I will learn techniques to calm him and stop some of the tantrums.. at least the ones where he screams and screams and tries to climb me like a tree. Perhaps I should get him a little play tree for the playroom.. I am joking... but seriously, I'm learning more and more every day, it's not about the struggles or hard times, it's how we handle them.. That's what matters. I think I'm still in a shock phase with Eli, he was our perfect miracle baby after months and months of trying to get pregnant, losing one baby, and then going through fertility treatments, we were finally pregnant with him. Life was great and couldn't get any better. B and I have both said on several occasions, I could never handle a child with special needs, I just wouldn't be able to do it. We had no idea, we would some day be walking down that road, we would be 'those' parents. Eli was perfectly healthy at birth and was always a little behind in milestones, but I wasn't worried. Around 12 months, peds started to really wonder about autism.. Again I thought he was just fine, a little behind. Well, obviously that wasn't the case. I'm going to speak for B when I say this, but I think he would agree: we are very thankful he is starting some therapies, that there's a big autism support here in Omaha, and that he doesn't have some terminal illness; but we are still grieving the fact that Eli will not be a 'normal' child.. I hate using that word, I can't really explain it, when we first brought him home from the hospital, like all parents, we had hopes and dreams for him. We still have hopes and dreams of course, but a lot of things change, and that's hard to accept. So we are still working on that.
Okay, enough about all of that. For now, we are enjoying and cherishing the good days and fighting the hard ones as best as we can. The boys get to see daddy via FT and that's always fun and brightens their day, and mine :) For now, we are taking it one day at a time.. Doing the best we can. We pray daily for Eli, for K and how this will affect him, and of course for B's safety and a safe return home. We have faith and hope that all will be back to 'normal' or we start a new 'normal' again soon.
April: We celebrated K's 1st Easter, mama's birthday, and mama started working diligently on a fundraiser she decided to set up in Omaha to raise awareness for perinatal/postpartum mood disorders. Okay, now I'll stop typing in 3rd person ;) Considering everything we had going on, I might have been just a little crazy to take the fundraiser on, but I'm so glad I did. I have had several people message me to tell me that after seeing me tell my story on the news, it helped them, either by going back and processing their own postpartum experience, helping them with postpartum issues at the present time, or helping a family member with postpartum issues to get help. I'm so so glad I decided to go ahead with the fundraiser and move forward with it, even if I would have just helped one person, it would have been worth it.
May: K turned ONE!! Yes, my sweet surprise baby K who came into this world as fast as lightning, is now one.. I cannot believe it, his whole first year was just a blur it seems like. We celebrated by having a party here at home with family, Red, White, and ONE! It was so much fun :)
June: This was a hard month, a very hard month. Eli was diagnosed with non-verbal ASD (autism spectrum disorder) and two other disorders. We started the search for different therapies for him, we learned so much about so many things in just a short amount of time, things which we never would think we would ever have to worry about. A few days after Eli's diagnoses, B and I celebrated our 4th wedding anniversary. It was nice to look back to see how far we have come, reminisce about the days before kids, and talk about the future together. Oh and did I mention that Mr. Romance (yes, my husband) took me for a carriage ride in downtown Omaha and along the MO River? He is still just as sweet and romantic as he was when we first met 8 years ago! We had a great time celebrating, it was nice to not talk autism and therapies for a night. Soon, too soon, it was time for another deployment. B was able to see Eli's 1st speech therapy session, which was great, but we all had to say our 'see ya laters' the next day.
July: so here we are in July.. I saw someone post about Christmas being 6 months away and I might have slapped them in the face.. In my mind that is. I don't even want to think about winter, the boys and I are really enjoying outside time and fun at the park and in the water! Oh and I am loving mowing the lawn, call me crazy, but I love the smell and the look of a freshly mowed lawn. Mowing is part of my 'happy time' the other parts of that are outside yoga and eating cookies while I watch Netflix at night... It's great times! Anyways, for the past week I have had our niece up here visiting, the boys and I picked her up at the beginning of the month and we have had a great time, well as much as we can with all the therapy and dr appts.
That pretty much sums up our family update. Wait! No, no it's not. B pinned on Captain a couple weeks ago, so that was an accomplishment we were really proud of!
So, I'm serious this time, that's our family update. I have so many that have asked me how I'm doing lately, my response is always 'I'm okay'. I would be lying if I said I was fine, I'm still trying to process everything with Eli, trying to get him to all of his therapy and make phone calls to try to get into more, still make sure K is taken care of and not left out, and trying my hardest to take care of myself and my recent health needs. Most days I am trying to my hardest to console Eli, try to distract K from Eli's tantrums, and think to myself.. I just can't do this anymore. I know we have all had those thoughts, our breaking points, my hope is that with lots of therapy, I will learn techniques to calm him and stop some of the tantrums.. at least the ones where he screams and screams and tries to climb me like a tree. Perhaps I should get him a little play tree for the playroom.. I am joking... but seriously, I'm learning more and more every day, it's not about the struggles or hard times, it's how we handle them.. That's what matters. I think I'm still in a shock phase with Eli, he was our perfect miracle baby after months and months of trying to get pregnant, losing one baby, and then going through fertility treatments, we were finally pregnant with him. Life was great and couldn't get any better. B and I have both said on several occasions, I could never handle a child with special needs, I just wouldn't be able to do it. We had no idea, we would some day be walking down that road, we would be 'those' parents. Eli was perfectly healthy at birth and was always a little behind in milestones, but I wasn't worried. Around 12 months, peds started to really wonder about autism.. Again I thought he was just fine, a little behind. Well, obviously that wasn't the case. I'm going to speak for B when I say this, but I think he would agree: we are very thankful he is starting some therapies, that there's a big autism support here in Omaha, and that he doesn't have some terminal illness; but we are still grieving the fact that Eli will not be a 'normal' child.. I hate using that word, I can't really explain it, when we first brought him home from the hospital, like all parents, we had hopes and dreams for him. We still have hopes and dreams of course, but a lot of things change, and that's hard to accept. So we are still working on that.
Okay, enough about all of that. For now, we are enjoying and cherishing the good days and fighting the hard ones as best as we can. The boys get to see daddy via FT and that's always fun and brightens their day, and mine :) For now, we are taking it one day at a time.. Doing the best we can. We pray daily for Eli, for K and how this will affect him, and of course for B's safety and a safe return home. We have faith and hope that all will be back to 'normal' or we start a new 'normal' again soon.
Wednesday, March 5, 2014
Jones Boys Updates
Where do I even begin? The boys are seriously growing up right before our eyes. Before I became a parent, and even shortly after becoming one for the first time, I remember so many people telling me to cherish each and every day because children grow up so fast, and how true that is. Eli's first year went fast, but Kealan's has seriously just been a blur, perhaps thats what happens with second children? I was just texting a friend the other day who has three little boys, and one of her texts was "oh my gosh, he is 8 months old?!" She was referring to her youngest ;) So I think the time just seems to fly by even faster the more kids you have.
Kealan is now NINE months old. I seriously can't believe it. It seems like just yesterday I was pregnant with him and worrying about whether he was going to come early or not.. and as we all know he came right on his 'due date' and made quite the entrance ;) While the first four months of this little guy's life was.. well.. lets just put it.. a nightmare.. he is the sweetest little guy with a big personality! We have referred to him as a bird many of times, being that he loves to scream, not in a crying sort of way, but screeching scream.. he seriously sounds like an angry bird. It's just one of his little personality traits that makes him Kealan ;) I seriously love watching him learn and observe new things every day, the world is a giant playground to him right now. He is quite the opposite of his brother in that he 'talks' all the time, in fact, I think he talks more than Eli. He babbles constantly, says 'mama', 'dada', and makes all sorts of other letter sounds. He is such a fun little guy to be around and loves his older brother. He tries to play with him, heck, even just to put his hands on him makes him incredibly happy, he just loves being next to him. It melts my heart. He has also taken a great interest in our cats.. he isn't exactly the nicest and unfortunately attacked Occie's face the other day. Thankfully, we have very tame and understanding cats ;) Another thing about this boy is that he has a temper.. we joke all the time that he is a 'mini B' and he really is. Not only does this kid look exactly like him, he acts exactly like him. It's really quite funny, being that Eli is a miniature form of mama ;)
Eli recently turned two years old.. again, where does the time go? He is making remarkable progress in his development and we are very proud of him. While he attends speech therapy pretty regularly and is considered 'behind' in language development, his teachers are not concerned at all. They just continue to tell us he is a quiet and very intelligent child and will talk when he wants. With that said, he is quite the opposite of his brother, he is still a quiet and shy guy who just likes to play by himself and do everything on his own. His favorite thing in this world right now and for the last 6 months is puzzles. This kid can put together a puzzle faster than I can. He has a few mini 'jigsaw' puzzles, well jigsaw puzzles for a 5 year old, but still.. he is a pro at putting together puzzles. He also is very interested in the piano. He really enjoys playing each different key, he will sit and play forever. And like any toddler, he is in to EVERYTHING. If he wants it, he will find it. And food, this guy lives for food (again just like mama) he goes to the pantry and picks out what he wants and brings it to us to open, or sometimes he just opens it himself. Oh and bathtubs.. does anyone else have a 2 year old who is obsessed with bath tubs? Where ever he is, he has to immediately run and go find the bathtub. Yeah, I don't really get it, but it makes him the happiest guy on the planet and there's really no harm in it, so I let him go search for bathtubs to stare at all he wants.. Okay now that the random bathtub obsession has been thrown in, I have to say he is a very cuddly guy and is still a daddy's boy, although mama still gets random hugs about twice a day too. As for his relationship with his brother.. he can be very sweet to him and give him kisses, but he mostly just likes to take away his toys and push him down when he is sitting up or crawling to get some place. I think the biggest shocker was when Kealan really started 'talking' a lot, he just looks at him in awe.
I am learning so many new things about motherhood every day, just when I think I have finally mastered the art of motherhood, one of the boys throws that confidence straight out the window. I love love love being a mother and being able to watch my boys grow and learn new things every day is a huge blessing to me. It makes me incredibly sad that my youngest will soon be ONE and technically a toddler.. I have known nothing but pregnancy and babies for the past three years, its a change and I will miss it, but I am so excited to see them grow and develop more and maybe, just maybe, actually play together one day, one can only hope ;)
Oh and I realize this post has just been all over the place with grammar, punctuation, and 4 very large paragraphs that should be broken up, but hey.. I have a 9 month old and a 2 year old in the next room and its eerily quiet, so seeya!
Kealan is now NINE months old. I seriously can't believe it. It seems like just yesterday I was pregnant with him and worrying about whether he was going to come early or not.. and as we all know he came right on his 'due date' and made quite the entrance ;) While the first four months of this little guy's life was.. well.. lets just put it.. a nightmare.. he is the sweetest little guy with a big personality! We have referred to him as a bird many of times, being that he loves to scream, not in a crying sort of way, but screeching scream.. he seriously sounds like an angry bird. It's just one of his little personality traits that makes him Kealan ;) I seriously love watching him learn and observe new things every day, the world is a giant playground to him right now. He is quite the opposite of his brother in that he 'talks' all the time, in fact, I think he talks more than Eli. He babbles constantly, says 'mama', 'dada', and makes all sorts of other letter sounds. He is such a fun little guy to be around and loves his older brother. He tries to play with him, heck, even just to put his hands on him makes him incredibly happy, he just loves being next to him. It melts my heart. He has also taken a great interest in our cats.. he isn't exactly the nicest and unfortunately attacked Occie's face the other day. Thankfully, we have very tame and understanding cats ;) Another thing about this boy is that he has a temper.. we joke all the time that he is a 'mini B' and he really is. Not only does this kid look exactly like him, he acts exactly like him. It's really quite funny, being that Eli is a miniature form of mama ;)
Eli recently turned two years old.. again, where does the time go? He is making remarkable progress in his development and we are very proud of him. While he attends speech therapy pretty regularly and is considered 'behind' in language development, his teachers are not concerned at all. They just continue to tell us he is a quiet and very intelligent child and will talk when he wants. With that said, he is quite the opposite of his brother, he is still a quiet and shy guy who just likes to play by himself and do everything on his own. His favorite thing in this world right now and for the last 6 months is puzzles. This kid can put together a puzzle faster than I can. He has a few mini 'jigsaw' puzzles, well jigsaw puzzles for a 5 year old, but still.. he is a pro at putting together puzzles. He also is very interested in the piano. He really enjoys playing each different key, he will sit and play forever. And like any toddler, he is in to EVERYTHING. If he wants it, he will find it. And food, this guy lives for food (again just like mama) he goes to the pantry and picks out what he wants and brings it to us to open, or sometimes he just opens it himself. Oh and bathtubs.. does anyone else have a 2 year old who is obsessed with bath tubs? Where ever he is, he has to immediately run and go find the bathtub. Yeah, I don't really get it, but it makes him the happiest guy on the planet and there's really no harm in it, so I let him go search for bathtubs to stare at all he wants.. Okay now that the random bathtub obsession has been thrown in, I have to say he is a very cuddly guy and is still a daddy's boy, although mama still gets random hugs about twice a day too. As for his relationship with his brother.. he can be very sweet to him and give him kisses, but he mostly just likes to take away his toys and push him down when he is sitting up or crawling to get some place. I think the biggest shocker was when Kealan really started 'talking' a lot, he just looks at him in awe.
I am learning so many new things about motherhood every day, just when I think I have finally mastered the art of motherhood, one of the boys throws that confidence straight out the window. I love love love being a mother and being able to watch my boys grow and learn new things every day is a huge blessing to me. It makes me incredibly sad that my youngest will soon be ONE and technically a toddler.. I have known nothing but pregnancy and babies for the past three years, its a change and I will miss it, but I am so excited to see them grow and develop more and maybe, just maybe, actually play together one day, one can only hope ;)
Oh and I realize this post has just been all over the place with grammar, punctuation, and 4 very large paragraphs that should be broken up, but hey.. I have a 9 month old and a 2 year old in the next room and its eerily quiet, so seeya!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)